My sister tells me that every time I spoil a scene in a video game by talking about it, I lose viewers that I don't even have in the first place. Therefore, I solemnly swear that I will, in no way, spoil anything in any small form about Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.
THE APPLE OF EDEN'S HIDDEN IN SAINT PETER'S!!!
YOU GET A CROSSBOW!!!
DESMOND KILLS LUCY!!!
DESMOND FINDS THE APPLE OF EDEN!!!
MARIO DIES!!!
EZIO REPLACES ALTAIR'S ARMOR FOR THE ARMOR OF ROMULUS!!!
ARROW STORM!!!
CASTEL SANT' ANGELO!!!
RODRIGO DIES!!!
LA VOLPE ALMOST KILLS MACHIAVELLI!!!
THE APPLE OF EDEN IS A USABLE WEAPON FOR ALL OF LIKE, FIVE MISSIONS!!!
DESMOND HAS CONTROL OVER HIS ANIMUS SESSIONS!!!
MONTERRIGIONI!!!
*huff puff*
Okay, enough bullshite; let's get on with my review.
I bought Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood a day after Christmas, and beat it all of half a week later (because I was being a slow-arse). At the time of my buying it, a certain Ares Tenno was also present. He told me that the trailers he saw suggested that it was a decent game.
That, and I naturally love Assassin's Creed as it is, so of course I had my eye on Brotherhood.
Let's start from the top: The entire game gets a complete revamp from the boring old Assassin's Creed style of Walk-Desmond-To-Animus, Complete-Missions, Lather-Rinse-Repeat. This time, you can decide when you want to leave the animus, and the actual first mission of the game requires you (as Desmond) to find a way inside the only safe haven for the team, the Monteriggioni sanctuary.
I should clarify: I meant the first non-Animus related mission. The first REAL mission of the game puts you as Ezio escaping from Rome with Mario. Keep in mind, this is one of only a few scenes where you will ever see Mario Auditore again.
The second mission? Explore the new and improved Monteriggioni. Recently, they've installed cannons, which is already a foreboding message to the player, as they tell you after using them that any cannon fire heard the next morning is them practicing.
Right. Practicing.
Just like it's friggin' practicing when you shoot a damn cannon ball through the friggin' window!
I'll just say this next bit now: Cesare, you are a jerk. Not only do you force Ezio to run along broken and exploding walls in his own hometown, but then you take it a step further and blow the brains out of Mario? What kind of man are you?!
(Answer: Not one.)
Oh yeah, and they shoot the hell out of Ezio too. Poor Ezio.
Gotta' say, though, the combat in this game is a lot more fun. Aside from how long it took me to figure out what the hell an Execution Streak was, and how long it took me to stop gushing over my sword-and-gun fighting combo, I actually enjoyed fighting off a thousand stupid guards in this game. Maybe it's because they actually fight like regular guards would, instead of standing still for an hour, giving you plenty of time to prepare your next trick from your trusty Wheel of Tricks, or maybe it's because I had so much fun with some of the new moves they implemented that were so much more different than the old AC1 moves, or maybe it's because I actually had a reason to not Counter-Kill everything and actually use some of my other tricks, I don't know.
But that old rumor that you'd have to actually fight a lot in order to use Counter-Kill? Yeah, blown right out of the water. Counter-Whores can still use their favorite button as much as they want. I'll be over here giving the A.I. a fighting chance like a fair gamer. Oh, and before you get the idea that Counter-Kill will work on all enemies, like in the last game, keep in mind, Brutes can shove you off, Papal Guards are ninjas, and Borgia Captains can dodge counter attacks.
My next point I shall make: The Brotherhood. Oh my god, that was my most favorite feature when I first started playing this game. I was just starting to settle into my routine of running this whole game solo, without any help from the outside, like in Assassin's Creed 2, but then, I noted that AC1 Vigilantes had returned, and I suddenly got a mission where I had to recruit two assassins to the Brotherhood.
Let me tell you: In a game where your troops can actually be useful, unlike certain Real-Time-Strategy games that rely on zerg rushes, upgrading your infantry suddenly becomes hilariously fun, and sending them out on missions actually becomes a nail biter, because you're sending something you worked so hard to make into an amazing thing go off and attempt to prove their worth. Especially so when it comes to the missions that are not only five-star difficulty, but DOUBLE five-star difficulty (marked by spiky symbols), where even your full-grade, top-notch Assassins would only be able to pull a twenty-five percent chance of victory. Then, the game gets really fun.
Arrow Storm. Let's just admit it, who has ever wanted to have the power to call down instant death? That's what Arrow Storm is: Instant Death, although there's not much discrimination regarding targets. I, uh, accidentally killed a few civilians with it at one point, while being chased by Papal Guards. Bad idea.
Oh, and speaking of calling instant death, if you call in your assassins, they pretty much come out of nowhere and kill the hell out of anything you tell them to. I wonder how many Borgia guards I've made absolutely paranoid with my Brotherhood? (Or should I say Sisterhood? I do recall that 99% of my recruits were, surprisingly, female. A-All these girls, they like my swagger, they all call me McJagger...)
Plus, when one died, I actually felt rather sad. The only guy in the group got slaughtered.
Now it's bloody personal.
Anyhow, I did feel a striking bit of bloodlust towards Cesare, for each time he popped up and I wasn't allowed to fight him. I really wanted to put my knife in his throat, and then follow up with another knife, and another, and a few more, and more still, then my sword, and then a bullet. What did I get instead?
I tossed him off a wall.
That's right. A. Bloody. Wall.
Disney, eat your heart out.
That's almost as lame as the punch-out I had with Pope Rodrigo Borgia in the last game. (By the way, Rodrigo kind of wimps out in this game and hides behind the Vatican walls the whole time. Not that it does him any good, I mean, I still give him the standard "rest in peace" eye-closing deal when Cesare kills his arse.)
Leonardo shows up in this game, but seriously less frequently, and he looks absolutely haggard. He only gives you three of your old items, because you already have the pistol and poison, and you can only obtain a fourth item from him by destroying the guns of doom that he'd made. Which, despite its god-awful difficulty, was actually rather fun. I rather enjoyed fighting gigantic warships in a little gondola with a flak cannon and screaming "Row, you bloody tart, row, dammit! ROW FASTER!!!" at Ezio.
And the tank was worthy of an evil giggle from me. :3
The machine gun and bomber... not so much. While I enjoyed the flying machine as much as I had in the first game (which was, not at all), the machine gun was only slightly more fun, because the thing shot so slowly, and I could hardly aim.
TAK!
Aw, I missed.
TAK!
Aw, I missed.
It was bloody annoying. I was glad to blow it up at the end. Hell, I was glad to get to the end at all.
Oh, and Leonardo's compensation item?
Parachutes.
And so I ask myself: Was it worth the hassle?
I managed to find a little secret, too: If you complete all the virtual training exercises (not advised; they're rather hard), you get a little shout-out to my favorite sneaky-stabby game aside from Assassin's Creed, Metal Gear Solid 4. They give you Raiden's outfit. Now, here's the dilemma: How does one hide in plain sight in Renaissance Italy, when they're wearing a techno-futuristic Ninja outfit?
Apparently, I do it rather well. Though, it's rather justified when I get caught in a red zone, because A, I'm not allowed in red zones, and B, well, I'm in a friggin' techno suit in RENAISSANCE ITALY, for crap's sake.
Too bad they don't give you Raiden's sword, too...
Although I made up for it with a Spadone and a replacement Sword of Altair. The Knife of Brutus was also rather fun.
Here's a problem with big weapons, though: The Spadone, Spada Lunga, Stocco, Bastard Sword, Bearded Axe, and Bartolomeo's Axe can all be thrown through an enemy, and while I'm certain you can go and get it back, I have not been able to do so, so whenever one accidentally throws their Heavy Weapon, they have to go re-equip it from a nearby blacksmith.
Did I happen to mention the Apple of Eden being a weapon? Yeah, after you find it in the Church of St. Peter, it becomes a usable weapon for, like, five really short missions. Instead of shooting lasers out at people, or letting you clone yourself, like I thought it would do, it does the Mind Rape thing instead, and it comes in two flavors:
Flavor one is where the guards all fight themselves or cower in fear of you.
Flavor two is where you rape their minds so bad that they fall over and die.
It would almost be an amazing weapon, if not for the fact that the longer you use it, the more life it saps out of you, until you faint from agony, and then you have to run away to ensure that your health recovers so that you won't get one-shot. So imagine using it with the weakest level of armor available.
You wouldn't even make it to Flavor One.
Bloody hell, you wouldn't even make it past the initial slow-motion sequence.
Totally not worth its salt.
And after all that fun, Ezio decides to lock the Apple away (under the Colosseum) instead of using it to rape Cesare's mind! What, so throwing him off a wall is better?!
Gah!
Well, aside from all its downers, Brotherhood is still an amazing game. I'd give it five Raiden Outfits out of five.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Narrow Scope: Army of Two
Well, last Saturday, I went to GameStop, which is my primary (no, scratch that, only) option for buying video games that are either fun, cheap and inexpensive, or the latest craze that I am so eager to destroy right in front of millions of fans online. (I'm a pessimistic comedian. Unless I like it too, I don't see why people go bollocks-out over it, so I annihilate it.)
I went to buy Heavy Rain (because I really wanted the ancestor to its predecessor, Indigo Prophecy). Unfortunately, oh shite! I don't HAVE a PS3! This is because I prefer to not own every damned gaming console in the world, lest I be officially labeled a mute, Scottish uber-nerd by my, quote-en-quote, "friend", Jack.
So, instead, I had to settle with buying Army of Two.
It... It's not that I don't like Army of Two, per se... I just don't really enjoy playing it. I don't know, Third-Person Shooter games have always had this habit of being absolute trash with me. Like, Gears of War, or Dark Sector.
Well, okay, not Dark Sector.
Why do I hate them so much? Well, I don't want to see my supposedly super-awesome character get gibbed from a stray grenade, to the raucous chorus of "Whoo! The dumb bitch is fucking dead!" from the only-too-eager-to-kill-me enemies. That, and aiming becomes a damned hassle when you're looking over somebody's shoulder and trying to hit a bird shite on a tin can five hundred feet away. Not to mention that your character always seems to have a miserably painful-looking limp in one of his legs when he moves. Just once, I would like to control a soldier who doesn't act like he's running while suffering from a hernia.
I can make an exception for the Splinter Cell series. That game actually uses realistic movement, and there's personally nothing cooler than seeing your character sneak up behind a Spetsnasz soldier, grab him around the throat, and slam his face into the wall so hard that he's dead before the bullet he promptly gets finished off with later. But, here's the thing: Games like those, and Assassin's Creed? They're not TPS games. They're Third Person Stealth games. Maybe not so much Assassin's Creed as Splinter Cell, but I'm not about to make my way through the Action genre when I'm talking about TPS.
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, there's not a lot of TPS games that impress or "wow" me. Army of Two is one of the many that don't.
The basic story is about two former U.S. Army Rangers who were fighting a losing war in Somalia, circa 1993 (I believe), who later get hired into a PMC (Private Military Corp, or Private Military Contractors, whichever you prefer), only to find out that their old buddy, Lieutenant Colonel Richard Dalton, has been organizing a conspiracy to make the private sector more powerful than the American military, thereby forcing it out of power for the private sector.
Enter Private First Class Elliot Salem, and his noticeably taller, more muscular, and far better equipped partner, Corporal Tyson Rios, chalk four, U.S. Army Rangers. As if I have any idea what in the bloody hell "chalk four" is supposed to mean. First up is training, with your invisible microphone-whoring friend, Pedro, guiding you along in an obnoxious manner.
I was playing as Tyson Rios, because when I played as Salem on easy mode, I died upwards of one billion times because of his pathetic gear and even worse armor. At least when you get the heavy gear for Tyson, it actually protects him.
So, as the abnormally tall Rios, I jumped over a bar. And crouched under a low opening. And completed the first test: How to make sure you've ever played a video game in your life.
Next up was target practice. Bang bang, target down. Reload. Rinse, lather, repeat, now I've shown that I've played a shooter before.
Next was suppressive fire, drawing aggro, sneaking around, and killing jerks on turrets, thereby proving that I have actually played a shooter, and didn't just stand there wasting ammo because I didn't know where the "Pick Up Your Damn Feet And Bloody Run" buttons were.
Things started to get complicated with the Showing Appreciation/Displeasure commands. By walking up to Salem and pressing A, I initiated a mildly entertaining bout of air-guitaring with assault rifles. Conversely, by pressing the "boom headshot" button, I showed how much I really hated Salem by repeatedly back-handing him across the face, headbutting him, palming the back of his head, punching him in the gut, and again in the face mask, and generally just abusing him for no reason, other than I hated him.
Next, I get to slide into cover. Wooo.
Then I got to toss a grenade, and was mildly reminded of the terrible grenade-aiming physics of Gears of War, only, these were actual grenades, and not Morningstar heads on chains with bombs attached to them. Hilariously, I missed my target, and the grenade bounced back in my face and blew my sorry arse to hell. This made me laugh, and that's hard to come by when I can keep a straight face despite sticking myself with a grenade and having my neck twisted around in impossible positions in Halo. Then again, I have no reason to like Halo, so that could contribute to it.
So next up is how to kill a Heavy. Same idea with the turret guy, but when the turret is actively approaching you, that's another story. Oh, and you have to kill him from behind. No exceptions. Not even a damn rocket launcher. So, I put Salem in suppressive mode, turned invisible (because American soldiers totally turn invisible or red when dealing with aggro), sneaked up behind the guy, and grabbed aggro. For the rest of my life, I will never know how I did that, because Salem had all the aggro, and our guns were the same caliber.
Guess that's what I get for playing a giant instead of a snarky snagglepus of a shitebag soldier. (Achievement Unlocked: "SSSS")
Anyhow, then I learned that I have a GPS. For once. In my life.
And then I shot more targets. Supposedly, at the same time as Salem. (In reality, he was a second off the mark.)
Then I got locked in a cage (Because Pedro sucks), and Salem had to press a button. Sounds easy, right?
WRONG. This is the military, stupid.
I'd go into detail, but there were too many soldiers, and my screen was so red from the damage I was taking that I could hardly see anything.
So, I'll just skip to Back-To-Back sequences.
These are the most enjoyable part of Army of Two, aside from watching your arse go flying from a rogue grenade, or kicking a terrorist so hard in the bollocks that he literally gets lifted off his feet and thrown back a few meters.
Basically, you stand back to back (ha ha ha) with your partner and slow-mo kill anybody and everybody who isn't you. And that's exactly what I did. And boy, did I go about it gracefully. I almost heard a ballet song while dead bodies went flying arse-over-tea-kettle in slow motion.
Finally: I blew up Salem.
XD Not really, I just sent him downrange into an explosive trap which mildly fecked him up. Unfortunately, if I were to actually kill Salem, I would lose, so I had to go and heal him. Easy, right?
WRONG. This is the military, stupid. (Sounds familiar, doesn't it?)
Who would've thought that America was losing the war when we had so many expendable soldiers in the training fields? I must have gone through two hundred of the jerks before they finally allowed me to heal Salem in peace. (Achievement Unlocked: "Suspenseful Bastard")
So, finally, I get to the actual game. And of course, they give me the same terrible guns as I started out with. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the M16 (or, "S-System", as Army of Two calls it), but why must it suck so hard? The damage, when fully upgraded, was less than half that of an AK-47, which could be as weak as a pistol, or as strong as a sniper rifle, with just one of its upgrades. And I don't even like the AK-47. Why are the strongest guns always the ones I hate?
I feel it reasonable to mention that one of the many "assault rifles" available was a portable Vulcan minigun. Yeah, I'm not joking. It cost like, two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Anyhow, so I'm in Somalia with my crap rifle and my crap pistol and my crap sniper rifle (Two of the three were able to be un-crapped, though), and my crap partner makes the first biggest fart of a decision when I'm trying to sneak up on a group of Somalians:
He yells at me to blow their heads open.
Let's put two and two together here: When sneaking up on a baddie, why is it a bad idea to yell at your partner? Simple answer: You die.
Thankfully, I didn't die, but that was because they all had really bad guns. I gave Salem a good backhand for that. I don't think he appreciated it, because he headbutt me back. The little prick.
So, after what felt like an hour of being stuck behind the same old destroyed and gutted car as everybody else on the map, I finally meet Phillip Clyde, and I was none too happy about it. After reading the bare basic reviews of the game (movement sucks; characters unrealistic; you know), I found out that Clyde was labeled as one of the biggest shitebags to ever be put in a video game, and I could see why. "Hey, how's it going?" "Get your fucking hand away from my fucking face or I'll fucking kill you." Nice guy, isn't he?
Anyhow, Clyde actually gives me some good pointers, like tearing off the door of an already destroyed and gutted car (thereby gutting it even worse) and using it as a shield against bullets. The bad part is, I move about as fast as a guy carrying a car door in a crouched position should, which was about the equivalent of a snail. On steroids. That, and Salem is my backseat gunner, and he's completely exposed, so while I've got all my fronts covered, his arse is taking bullets for my valentine. (Yes, I went there.) So, as one might imagine, he tends to go down for the count a lot, and in the worst spots.
I tried to go for an achievement that required me to beat up people with my shield, but every time I tried, god damned Salem would steal the kill from me. I finally resorted to headbutting him until he stopped being a bugger. Which was never.
When Idiot Salem and I finally got to where we needed to be (that is, a hotel just up the street), we got thrown in a real-life back-to-back. And we sucked at it, because Salem was stuck on the "retard" setting, and threw grenades.
Yes. Grenades.
My fail-gun just fired backwards because of Salem.
Well, that was all well and good, just like my grammar was all well and good up until this point. We killed Al Moalim (Hey, wait a minute), got blown up, laughed at by Clyde, attacked by a billion soldiers, extracted, and thus ended the prologue mission of the game.
Only four more missions to go? I don't think so, mates. This farce has been going on for eight days now, I'm done with Army of Two.
I went to buy Heavy Rain (because I really wanted the ancestor to its predecessor, Indigo Prophecy). Unfortunately, oh shite! I don't HAVE a PS3! This is because I prefer to not own every damned gaming console in the world, lest I be officially labeled a mute, Scottish uber-nerd by my, quote-en-quote, "friend", Jack.
So, instead, I had to settle with buying Army of Two.
It... It's not that I don't like Army of Two, per se... I just don't really enjoy playing it. I don't know, Third-Person Shooter games have always had this habit of being absolute trash with me. Like, Gears of War, or Dark Sector.
Well, okay, not Dark Sector.
Why do I hate them so much? Well, I don't want to see my supposedly super-awesome character get gibbed from a stray grenade, to the raucous chorus of "Whoo! The dumb bitch is fucking dead!" from the only-too-eager-to-kill-me enemies. That, and aiming becomes a damned hassle when you're looking over somebody's shoulder and trying to hit a bird shite on a tin can five hundred feet away. Not to mention that your character always seems to have a miserably painful-looking limp in one of his legs when he moves. Just once, I would like to control a soldier who doesn't act like he's running while suffering from a hernia.
I can make an exception for the Splinter Cell series. That game actually uses realistic movement, and there's personally nothing cooler than seeing your character sneak up behind a Spetsnasz soldier, grab him around the throat, and slam his face into the wall so hard that he's dead before the bullet he promptly gets finished off with later. But, here's the thing: Games like those, and Assassin's Creed? They're not TPS games. They're Third Person Stealth games. Maybe not so much Assassin's Creed as Splinter Cell, but I'm not about to make my way through the Action genre when I'm talking about TPS.
Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is, there's not a lot of TPS games that impress or "wow" me. Army of Two is one of the many that don't.
The basic story is about two former U.S. Army Rangers who were fighting a losing war in Somalia, circa 1993 (I believe), who later get hired into a PMC (Private Military Corp, or Private Military Contractors, whichever you prefer), only to find out that their old buddy, Lieutenant Colonel Richard Dalton, has been organizing a conspiracy to make the private sector more powerful than the American military, thereby forcing it out of power for the private sector.
Enter Private First Class Elliot Salem, and his noticeably taller, more muscular, and far better equipped partner, Corporal Tyson Rios, chalk four, U.S. Army Rangers. As if I have any idea what in the bloody hell "chalk four" is supposed to mean. First up is training, with your invisible microphone-whoring friend, Pedro, guiding you along in an obnoxious manner.
I was playing as Tyson Rios, because when I played as Salem on easy mode, I died upwards of one billion times because of his pathetic gear and even worse armor. At least when you get the heavy gear for Tyson, it actually protects him.
So, as the abnormally tall Rios, I jumped over a bar. And crouched under a low opening. And completed the first test: How to make sure you've ever played a video game in your life.
Next up was target practice. Bang bang, target down. Reload. Rinse, lather, repeat, now I've shown that I've played a shooter before.
Next was suppressive fire, drawing aggro, sneaking around, and killing jerks on turrets, thereby proving that I have actually played a shooter, and didn't just stand there wasting ammo because I didn't know where the "Pick Up Your Damn Feet And Bloody Run" buttons were.
Things started to get complicated with the Showing Appreciation/Displeasure commands. By walking up to Salem and pressing A, I initiated a mildly entertaining bout of air-guitaring with assault rifles. Conversely, by pressing the "boom headshot" button, I showed how much I really hated Salem by repeatedly back-handing him across the face, headbutting him, palming the back of his head, punching him in the gut, and again in the face mask, and generally just abusing him for no reason, other than I hated him.
Next, I get to slide into cover. Wooo.
Then I got to toss a grenade, and was mildly reminded of the terrible grenade-aiming physics of Gears of War, only, these were actual grenades, and not Morningstar heads on chains with bombs attached to them. Hilariously, I missed my target, and the grenade bounced back in my face and blew my sorry arse to hell. This made me laugh, and that's hard to come by when I can keep a straight face despite sticking myself with a grenade and having my neck twisted around in impossible positions in Halo. Then again, I have no reason to like Halo, so that could contribute to it.
So next up is how to kill a Heavy. Same idea with the turret guy, but when the turret is actively approaching you, that's another story. Oh, and you have to kill him from behind. No exceptions. Not even a damn rocket launcher. So, I put Salem in suppressive mode, turned invisible (because American soldiers totally turn invisible or red when dealing with aggro), sneaked up behind the guy, and grabbed aggro. For the rest of my life, I will never know how I did that, because Salem had all the aggro, and our guns were the same caliber.
Guess that's what I get for playing a giant instead of a snarky snagglepus of a shitebag soldier. (Achievement Unlocked: "SSSS")
Anyhow, then I learned that I have a GPS. For once. In my life.
And then I shot more targets. Supposedly, at the same time as Salem. (In reality, he was a second off the mark.)
Then I got locked in a cage (Because Pedro sucks), and Salem had to press a button. Sounds easy, right?
WRONG. This is the military, stupid.
I'd go into detail, but there were too many soldiers, and my screen was so red from the damage I was taking that I could hardly see anything.
So, I'll just skip to Back-To-Back sequences.
These are the most enjoyable part of Army of Two, aside from watching your arse go flying from a rogue grenade, or kicking a terrorist so hard in the bollocks that he literally gets lifted off his feet and thrown back a few meters.
Basically, you stand back to back (ha ha ha) with your partner and slow-mo kill anybody and everybody who isn't you. And that's exactly what I did. And boy, did I go about it gracefully. I almost heard a ballet song while dead bodies went flying arse-over-tea-kettle in slow motion.
Finally: I blew up Salem.
XD Not really, I just sent him downrange into an explosive trap which mildly fecked him up. Unfortunately, if I were to actually kill Salem, I would lose, so I had to go and heal him. Easy, right?
WRONG. This is the military, stupid. (Sounds familiar, doesn't it?)
Who would've thought that America was losing the war when we had so many expendable soldiers in the training fields? I must have gone through two hundred of the jerks before they finally allowed me to heal Salem in peace. (Achievement Unlocked: "Suspenseful Bastard")
So, finally, I get to the actual game. And of course, they give me the same terrible guns as I started out with. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the M16 (or, "S-System", as Army of Two calls it), but why must it suck so hard? The damage, when fully upgraded, was less than half that of an AK-47, which could be as weak as a pistol, or as strong as a sniper rifle, with just one of its upgrades. And I don't even like the AK-47. Why are the strongest guns always the ones I hate?
I feel it reasonable to mention that one of the many "assault rifles" available was a portable Vulcan minigun. Yeah, I'm not joking. It cost like, two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Anyhow, so I'm in Somalia with my crap rifle and my crap pistol and my crap sniper rifle (Two of the three were able to be un-crapped, though), and my crap partner makes the first biggest fart of a decision when I'm trying to sneak up on a group of Somalians:
He yells at me to blow their heads open.
Let's put two and two together here: When sneaking up on a baddie, why is it a bad idea to yell at your partner? Simple answer: You die.
Thankfully, I didn't die, but that was because they all had really bad guns. I gave Salem a good backhand for that. I don't think he appreciated it, because he headbutt me back. The little prick.
So, after what felt like an hour of being stuck behind the same old destroyed and gutted car as everybody else on the map, I finally meet Phillip Clyde, and I was none too happy about it. After reading the bare basic reviews of the game (movement sucks; characters unrealistic; you know), I found out that Clyde was labeled as one of the biggest shitebags to ever be put in a video game, and I could see why. "Hey, how's it going?" "Get your fucking hand away from my fucking face or I'll fucking kill you." Nice guy, isn't he?
Anyhow, Clyde actually gives me some good pointers, like tearing off the door of an already destroyed and gutted car (thereby gutting it even worse) and using it as a shield against bullets. The bad part is, I move about as fast as a guy carrying a car door in a crouched position should, which was about the equivalent of a snail. On steroids. That, and Salem is my backseat gunner, and he's completely exposed, so while I've got all my fronts covered, his arse is taking bullets for my valentine. (Yes, I went there.) So, as one might imagine, he tends to go down for the count a lot, and in the worst spots.
I tried to go for an achievement that required me to beat up people with my shield, but every time I tried, god damned Salem would steal the kill from me. I finally resorted to headbutting him until he stopped being a bugger. Which was never.
When Idiot Salem and I finally got to where we needed to be (that is, a hotel just up the street), we got thrown in a real-life back-to-back. And we sucked at it, because Salem was stuck on the "retard" setting, and threw grenades.
Yes. Grenades.
My fail-gun just fired backwards because of Salem.
Well, that was all well and good, just like my grammar was all well and good up until this point. We killed Al Moalim (Hey, wait a minute), got blown up, laughed at by Clyde, attacked by a billion soldiers, extracted, and thus ended the prologue mission of the game.
Only four more missions to go? I don't think so, mates. This farce has been going on for eight days now, I'm done with Army of Two.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Narrow Scope: [Prototype]
Could my luck with video games get any worse?
Started playing Prototype again, first time in about seven months. And like I expected, it didn't turn out as well as people claimed.
Aside from the glitchy, almost inferior controls (I liked Assassin's Creed better, because at least you didn't move so fast that you might attract the attention of the armed forces littered around New York, and plus, Ezio actually listens to his controls), the only part about this game I liked was that I got to upgrade with fluent frequency. But, as must all good things, this tirade of upgrading soon dwindled to a standstill, because I couldn't seem to complete the mission where I have to lure McMullin out, then run like bloody hell and hide under a bridge when he doesn't fall for my little trick. And why can't I complete this mission?
Oh, it's quite simple, mates. They send in like, an endless stream of soldiers, tanks, APCs, helicopters, detector droids, and the infected Hunters seemed to think that aggravating the situation further was helping my case any.
Well, bloody hello to you too, Elizabeth Greene.
I finally got past that mission, and wonder of wonders, I almost immediately get cheap shot by a Specialist with a grenade launcher, a shock stick, and a host of soldier buddies and infected pissants. And despite winning the fight, he basically throws out his wild card before he's depleted his hand and stabs me in the back with a needle that basically gives me Protagonist Cancer.
(I should write a TV Tropes article for that...)
I finally cure the cancer after putting up with Raglend's bullshite complaints that I apparently was too blind to see the hordes of infected coming RIGHT THE HELL AT ME, and for compensation, I get a cool suit of armor, and a sword arm.
That soon prove to be USELESS.
Over all, I don't recall ever hating a game as hard as I hate this, and Eragon doesn't count. But Prototype has just taken the gold, mates.
Started playing Prototype again, first time in about seven months. And like I expected, it didn't turn out as well as people claimed.
Aside from the glitchy, almost inferior controls (I liked Assassin's Creed better, because at least you didn't move so fast that you might attract the attention of the armed forces littered around New York, and plus, Ezio actually listens to his controls), the only part about this game I liked was that I got to upgrade with fluent frequency. But, as must all good things, this tirade of upgrading soon dwindled to a standstill, because I couldn't seem to complete the mission where I have to lure McMullin out, then run like bloody hell and hide under a bridge when he doesn't fall for my little trick. And why can't I complete this mission?
Oh, it's quite simple, mates. They send in like, an endless stream of soldiers, tanks, APCs, helicopters, detector droids, and the infected Hunters seemed to think that aggravating the situation further was helping my case any.
Well, bloody hello to you too, Elizabeth Greene.
I finally got past that mission, and wonder of wonders, I almost immediately get cheap shot by a Specialist with a grenade launcher, a shock stick, and a host of soldier buddies and infected pissants. And despite winning the fight, he basically throws out his wild card before he's depleted his hand and stabs me in the back with a needle that basically gives me Protagonist Cancer.
(I should write a TV Tropes article for that...)
I finally cure the cancer after putting up with Raglend's bullshite complaints that I apparently was too blind to see the hordes of infected coming RIGHT THE HELL AT ME, and for compensation, I get a cool suit of armor, and a sword arm.
That soon prove to be USELESS.
Over all, I don't recall ever hating a game as hard as I hate this, and Eragon doesn't count. But Prototype has just taken the gold, mates.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Narrow Scope: Halo REACH
Hello, chaps! Long time no see, eh?
Sorry about that. My computer is officially, and undeniably, dead and gone, and I shan't be getting a new one for a good bloody time.
In the meantime, I use what time I have to myself to steal my sister's (admittedly near-dead itself) computer.
Hence, this new entry (finally).
Got around to playing Halo REACH, and I have to say... it was the biggest waste of my time. I just don't like it; I've never liked the Halo games, nevermind my owning game 3, but this just confirmed why.
Oh, sure, you have nice graphics. So does every other game and its mother. What's that? New weapons? Whoop dee doo. Oh, you say multiplayer is superb? Gee, isn't it too bad that I don't give a bloody shite about multiplayer?
I played the campaign, and hated it from the word go. I don't wish to explain why, because I only have two hours to myself, and if I were to go into detail about all my problems... Let's just say, I'd get caught red-handed by my sister, three to four hours later, because I'd still be sitting here. It was bad, let me tell you.
*Cue rabid ball-happy fans of Halo throwing out empty death threats and acting like utter meatheads in the presence of somebody who knows a good video game when he plays one.*
Let's just segment what I hate about it, from all that I'm willing to talk about:
1. I hate the weaponry in this game. As in, I REALLY hate it. Scope-blooming, I don't mind. That's never been an issue for me before. Grenade bounce and damage radius? Meh. Modern Warfare 2 was worse. But I hate how lack-luster the weaponry department is, in a game where guns and cars are about the only real factor. It takes me three clips to take down one Elite, all shots hitting him in the head, yet one shot from an armor lock kills me? Might I please call bullshite here?
Before you get all rage-happy over these simple terms, take into effect that I had a sniper rifle. And my shots next to never miss with sniper rifles, so I was landing every shot.
2. I hate the maps. Yeah, I totally want to play sniper on a map as big as my thumb, who was the freaking moron who thought up THAT idea? Conversely: A pistol will TOTALLY be useful on a map bigger than three Frigates put together. The game creators really didn't possess any brains when making this game, I can tell. Then again, I was playing on mostly user-made maps that my friends forced me to play multiplayer to experience.
And that, lads, is the only time I will ever go on multiplayer.
3. I hate multiplayer. Do I really need to say it. The game is 80% Multiplayer.
4. I hate the space combat level. Bloody hell, I hate ALL the air combat levels.
5. I hate the scene where Noble 6 dies. It wasn't emotional, it made me laugh. I'd feel more sorry for her if her armor didn't make her look ridiculously fat, too.
6. Lord, do I ever hate the other players of this game. ... went up against players with really dumb names (none shall be mentioned), none of them knew how to play right, or if they did, they always screamed their success as if it was the best thing in the world. (Idiots.) And then they turn to me and start insulting my lack of kills because I was hiding behind something with a sniper rifle, picking people off from a safe distance.
"Ha! I have three hundred kills, you only have ten!" And I also never died. So, who loses here?
7. I'll just say it now, I hate the Announcer in this game. "Five. Minutes. REMAINING." I can see the clock, I'm not blind. And do I really need my ego boosted by "HEADSHOT!" or "DOUBLE KILL!" every time it happens? You know why I like Call of Duty over this game? Because it never shouted how cool I was. It gave me shiteloads of experience points (I was in multiplayer split-screen against myself just for the hell of weapon upgrades), and some cool (ACTUALLY COOL, might I add) music to boot. And if I leveled up, it didn't go "LEVEL UP!" in some faux Duke Nukem voice in order to make me feel special and GUHN EJIMUHCAYTID.
So, in short, I would give this game a two out of five, for the graphics and ragdoll hilarity. Nothing else.
Sorry about that. My computer is officially, and undeniably, dead and gone, and I shan't be getting a new one for a good bloody time.
In the meantime, I use what time I have to myself to steal my sister's (admittedly near-dead itself) computer.
Hence, this new entry (finally).
Got around to playing Halo REACH, and I have to say... it was the biggest waste of my time. I just don't like it; I've never liked the Halo games, nevermind my owning game 3, but this just confirmed why.
Oh, sure, you have nice graphics. So does every other game and its mother. What's that? New weapons? Whoop dee doo. Oh, you say multiplayer is superb? Gee, isn't it too bad that I don't give a bloody shite about multiplayer?
I played the campaign, and hated it from the word go. I don't wish to explain why, because I only have two hours to myself, and if I were to go into detail about all my problems... Let's just say, I'd get caught red-handed by my sister, three to four hours later, because I'd still be sitting here. It was bad, let me tell you.
*Cue rabid ball-happy fans of Halo throwing out empty death threats and acting like utter meatheads in the presence of somebody who knows a good video game when he plays one.*
Let's just segment what I hate about it, from all that I'm willing to talk about:
1. I hate the weaponry in this game. As in, I REALLY hate it. Scope-blooming, I don't mind. That's never been an issue for me before. Grenade bounce and damage radius? Meh. Modern Warfare 2 was worse. But I hate how lack-luster the weaponry department is, in a game where guns and cars are about the only real factor. It takes me three clips to take down one Elite, all shots hitting him in the head, yet one shot from an armor lock kills me? Might I please call bullshite here?
Before you get all rage-happy over these simple terms, take into effect that I had a sniper rifle. And my shots next to never miss with sniper rifles, so I was landing every shot.
2. I hate the maps. Yeah, I totally want to play sniper on a map as big as my thumb, who was the freaking moron who thought up THAT idea? Conversely: A pistol will TOTALLY be useful on a map bigger than three Frigates put together. The game creators really didn't possess any brains when making this game, I can tell. Then again, I was playing on mostly user-made maps that my friends forced me to play multiplayer to experience.
And that, lads, is the only time I will ever go on multiplayer.
3. I hate multiplayer. Do I really need to say it. The game is 80% Multiplayer.
4. I hate the space combat level. Bloody hell, I hate ALL the air combat levels.
5. I hate the scene where Noble 6 dies. It wasn't emotional, it made me laugh. I'd feel more sorry for her if her armor didn't make her look ridiculously fat, too.
6. Lord, do I ever hate the other players of this game. ... went up against players with really dumb names (none shall be mentioned), none of them knew how to play right, or if they did, they always screamed their success as if it was the best thing in the world. (Idiots.) And then they turn to me and start insulting my lack of kills because I was hiding behind something with a sniper rifle, picking people off from a safe distance.
"Ha! I have three hundred kills, you only have ten!" And I also never died. So, who loses here?
7. I'll just say it now, I hate the Announcer in this game. "Five. Minutes. REMAINING." I can see the clock, I'm not blind. And do I really need my ego boosted by "HEADSHOT!" or "DOUBLE KILL!" every time it happens? You know why I like Call of Duty over this game? Because it never shouted how cool I was. It gave me shiteloads of experience points (I was in multiplayer split-screen against myself just for the hell of weapon upgrades), and some cool (ACTUALLY COOL, might I add) music to boot. And if I leveled up, it didn't go "LEVEL UP!" in some faux Duke Nukem voice in order to make me feel special and GUHN EJIMUHCAYTID.
So, in short, I would give this game a two out of five, for the graphics and ragdoll hilarity. Nothing else.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Narrow Scope: Splinter Cell: Conviction
Spent five or six hours with my newly (rented) game, Splinter Cell: Conviction. Played through a bit of single player, decided it was decently challenging, and figured co-op with Seamus would be about the same.
It's not often when I'm so dreadfully wrong - and I am usually wrong, just not DREADFULLY so - and this time, it bit Seamus and I in the bollocks like never before.
So, for co-op, you start off in good old Russia (because god forbid you infiltrate any OTHER countries outside of China, Russia, the Middle East, and America), playing as an American Splinter Cell named Archer, and a Russian Splinter Cell named Kestrel. I was Kestrel, and Seamus was Archer. Seamus had played a good number of Splinter Cell games, while I had only played two, but had done so so many times that I could now clear the game perfectly in under an hour, so we were both pretty savvy with the game as it were. The only problem? The controls got a bit changed from the old games.
Meh, no problem, eh? So the controls will get some taking used to. And so what if you're only in stealth when the screen turns black and white? Not a problem-
Wait, where's my night vision? Where's my SC-20K? What's going on here?!
Immediately, we realized a lot of things had changed about Splinter Cell. For instance, there was only Sonar vision, which gave you a bright outline of any enemies nearby. Then, your loadout always started with an EMP, EMP Grenades, and frags. You got a silenced pistol of choice, so I took an accurate pistol, while Seamus went more with power. When we realized that the main characters of co-op were not Sam Fisher and Anonymous Agent #2, that was also a downer, but we got over that because Archer and Kestrel were awesome enough to make up for the loss. And what was also helpful was when we entered a new room, our objectives splayed themselves out on the walls like that music video for Airplanes by B.O.B. and Haley Williams. (Because I honestly enjoy being blinded by painfully stark-white writing on pitch-black walls. You know, because I shot out all the lights. Okay, yeah, sarcasm doesn't translate well across the internet.)
After trying to infiltrate the Russian Embassy for about three hours, because the cops in that place are UBER SENSITIVE to having lights shot out, Seamus and I finally managed to get to a save point, which usually appears in the form of a weapon stash. (As the writings on the wall clearly stated. I just thought it was a stash of crates that we couldn't use until I saw the command to swap weapons. Thank god there were two, otherwise Seamus would've been running on pistol ammo for the rest of the mission.) About that time, we learn that we need to OBSERVE BYKHOV.
Why, thank you, large writing on the wall, I would never have guessed.
By the way, sorry for the bloody slow going here, my computer crashed like a Banshee with a broken jet propeller in Halo. No, it didn't explode into a blue ball of flaming bits, and no, I didn't die from the height drop, but it felt like I did, because I just lost a shite load of information that I was keeping on there, and now I have to commandeer Seamus' laptop when he isn't looking until I get it fixed.
Have to say, though: He has a bloody fast computer.
It's not often when I'm so dreadfully wrong - and I am usually wrong, just not DREADFULLY so - and this time, it bit Seamus and I in the bollocks like never before.
So, for co-op, you start off in good old Russia (because god forbid you infiltrate any OTHER countries outside of China, Russia, the Middle East, and America), playing as an American Splinter Cell named Archer, and a Russian Splinter Cell named Kestrel. I was Kestrel, and Seamus was Archer. Seamus had played a good number of Splinter Cell games, while I had only played two, but had done so so many times that I could now clear the game perfectly in under an hour, so we were both pretty savvy with the game as it were. The only problem? The controls got a bit changed from the old games.
Meh, no problem, eh? So the controls will get some taking used to. And so what if you're only in stealth when the screen turns black and white? Not a problem-
Wait, where's my night vision? Where's my SC-20K? What's going on here?!
Immediately, we realized a lot of things had changed about Splinter Cell. For instance, there was only Sonar vision, which gave you a bright outline of any enemies nearby. Then, your loadout always started with an EMP, EMP Grenades, and frags. You got a silenced pistol of choice, so I took an accurate pistol, while Seamus went more with power. When we realized that the main characters of co-op were not Sam Fisher and Anonymous Agent #2, that was also a downer, but we got over that because Archer and Kestrel were awesome enough to make up for the loss. And what was also helpful was when we entered a new room, our objectives splayed themselves out on the walls like that music video for Airplanes by B.O.B. and Haley Williams. (Because I honestly enjoy being blinded by painfully stark-white writing on pitch-black walls. You know, because I shot out all the lights. Okay, yeah, sarcasm doesn't translate well across the internet.)
After trying to infiltrate the Russian Embassy for about three hours, because the cops in that place are UBER SENSITIVE to having lights shot out, Seamus and I finally managed to get to a save point, which usually appears in the form of a weapon stash. (As the writings on the wall clearly stated. I just thought it was a stash of crates that we couldn't use until I saw the command to swap weapons. Thank god there were two, otherwise Seamus would've been running on pistol ammo for the rest of the mission.) About that time, we learn that we need to OBSERVE BYKHOV.
Why, thank you, large writing on the wall, I would never have guessed.
By the way, sorry for the bloody slow going here, my computer crashed like a Banshee with a broken jet propeller in Halo. No, it didn't explode into a blue ball of flaming bits, and no, I didn't die from the height drop, but it felt like I did, because I just lost a shite load of information that I was keeping on there, and now I have to commandeer Seamus' laptop when he isn't looking until I get it fixed.
Have to say, though: He has a bloody fast computer.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Narrow Scope: Team Fortress 2 Shenanigans
<While playing TF2>
Leigh: And you decided to start a Jarate war with me because...?
Shamus: Just figured I'd try and see what it's like to have a Jarate fight without the Jarate? Fuck, I don't know...
Jack: You know, speaking of fu-
Shamus/Leigh: NO.
Jack: Aw, come oooooon! I didn't even get to the good part!
Greg: Still no.
Jack: Fuck you!
<lolAxtinguisher>
Greg: MOTHERfuck!
Leigh: And you guys wonder why I'm so quiet.
Shamus: Have you EVER sworn, Leigh?
Leigh: Maybe once, under extreme stress. The rest of the time is usually either because I'm not watching what I say, or because I'm making a really good joke that requires it.
Shamus: Makes sense to me.
Jack: Hey, let's invite some random noob on here and fucking destroy his ass.
Leigh: Uh, let's not and say we never did.
Greg: Or, we could invite the lady-peoples and have a go at each other.
Leigh: You kidding, mate? Minx would destroy you.
Shamus: Yeah, but not you, Leigh, because as usual, you've mastered the game like a prick.
Leigh: Well, yeah...
Jack: Fuck you Leigh, us not-cool gamers are going over here.
Leigh: 'Kay, but, didn't you just lay down a massive bomb trap over there?
Jack: Dowha-?
<lolbigexplosion>
Shamus: Motherfucking Jack, you fucking knicker-wearing tool!
Leigh: Bloody hell...
Jack: They're called CAPRI PANTS in AMERICA, fucker.
Leigh: Why, again, did I agree to play Team Fortress with you guys?
Greg: Hey, I don't know, I'm just enjoying the show.
Leigh: Right. That's it, I'm spy-killing all your backsides.
<One massive spy-kill fest later>
Leigh: And what have we learned about using the Soldier's grenade taunt on a spy disguised as a Scout?
Jack: It's fucking pointless.
Leigh: Good boy.
Leigh: And you decided to start a Jarate war with me because...?
Shamus: Just figured I'd try and see what it's like to have a Jarate fight without the Jarate? Fuck, I don't know...
Jack: You know, speaking of fu-
Shamus/Leigh: NO.
Jack: Aw, come oooooon! I didn't even get to the good part!
Greg: Still no.
Jack: Fuck you!
<lolAxtinguisher>
Greg: MOTHERfuck!
Leigh: And you guys wonder why I'm so quiet.
Shamus: Have you EVER sworn, Leigh?
Leigh: Maybe once, under extreme stress. The rest of the time is usually either because I'm not watching what I say, or because I'm making a really good joke that requires it.
Shamus: Makes sense to me.
Jack: Hey, let's invite some random noob on here and fucking destroy his ass.
Leigh: Uh, let's not and say we never did.
Greg: Or, we could invite the lady-peoples and have a go at each other.
Leigh: You kidding, mate? Minx would destroy you.
Shamus: Yeah, but not you, Leigh, because as usual, you've mastered the game like a prick.
Leigh: Well, yeah...
Jack: Fuck you Leigh, us not-cool gamers are going over here.
Leigh: 'Kay, but, didn't you just lay down a massive bomb trap over there?
Jack: Dowha-?
<lolbigexplosion>
Shamus: Motherfucking Jack, you fucking knicker-wearing tool!
Leigh: Bloody hell...
Jack: They're called CAPRI PANTS in AMERICA, fucker.
Leigh: Why, again, did I agree to play Team Fortress with you guys?
Greg: Hey, I don't know, I'm just enjoying the show.
Leigh: Right. That's it, I'm spy-killing all your backsides.
<One massive spy-kill fest later>
Leigh: And what have we learned about using the Soldier's grenade taunt on a spy disguised as a Scout?
Jack: It's fucking pointless.
Leigh: Good boy.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Narrow Scope: Mirror's Edge
Mirror's Edge. A creative title for an equally creative game centered around Traceurs - a.k.a. building runners - who secretly and illegally pass information on by hand in a world where movement and information are heavily guarded by authorities and the ever-present eye of Big Brother.
It's a game about betrayal, conspiracy, heroism, and overall first-person action.
That said, I am not without my beefs on this game.
First of all:
WHAT MIRRORS?! You run around on rooftops, and maybe the ground (once) and maybe a boat (again: once). That's all you ever do. Even the "combat" is fairly limited, as I really didn't have the patience to kill every bad guy I could see. You know - since this game was about fluid motion and unpredictability and how well you can use your environment, not "let's see how hard I can Bruce Lee this guy's face into the dirt".
To address my second argument against this game, let's talk about gun physics. Okay, sure, I can see where carrying a big ol' LMG would make free running fairly difficult. Those are heavy guns. And yeah, I can see why it's not so great to jump around on buildings with a shotgun - which is a fairly fragile weapon, despite its power - and roof-jumping with a sniper rifle is rather difficult when the thing's twice as long as you are.
But, a PISTOL?
I can't free-run with a pistol?
Well, I take that back, I can - just not as well as if I were unarmed. See, this is why you should do what Lieutenant Miller did, Faith, and invest in dual shoulder holsters. I mean, pistols are pretty durable. If you drop one, then kick it, it's still going to work, with minor flaws because, well, you just kicked an already highly unstable weapon of killing power. And I say "highly unstable" because those things are like a ball balanced on a pin, one wrong move can completely ruin the thing. But sans the obvious damage, pistols are durable weapons, and they're light, so a measly four or five pounds of gun in your pocket shouldn't add up to so much failure when you're going full speed across a rooftop. And yet I can't jump the building like, three feet in front of me.
Why?
I dunno, ask the implacable game physics.
Now, to address my third point: Reaction times. This game is all about picture-perfect precision and timing. One slip, and it's fifty stories of pure pelvic-region-shattering death for you. But, this same timing is apparently even worse when trying to disarm enemies. Like, before the gun even turns red, you have to hit the action button, otherwise, the guy pummels you, then adds insult to injury by shooting you point-blank to finish you off. Or, that's what he did to me. I dunno, I think it might have been because of my lack of melee.
You decide.
Next: The free running in general. Movement is kinda' touchy and hard to get used to. If Faith fails to react to the jump button, buh-bye. If Faith reacts too slowly to the melee button, buh-bye. If Faith jumps instead of wall running?
Say it with me now,
BUH-BYE.
Needless to say, there's very little room for screw-ups in this game. As in, the window of opportunity closes a split second after it opens, so you'd best be quick on the draw, or you'd best have been saving your Reaction Time up to whatever point you're at that requires mashing of buttons in order to complete a vital-to-one's-health task, because otherwise, put quite simply mate, you're screwed.
By the way, did I happen to mention Traceur in there?
Well, a lot of people get this idea that this game is based on free running, which is basically a flashy form of Parkour not really used for escape methods. Basically, it's just there for fun. Parkour is the "modern-day martial arts" discipline which states that the quickest route from point A to point B is in a straight line, and in order to get to that point B in a straight line, you must learn to go over, under, around or through any obstacles in your way. Faith is a Parkour practitioner in every sense of the word, from escaping the authorities with her free-running capabilities to tracking down baddies with said capabilities. In every notion of the term, Faith is a Traceuse. End of story there.
But, this poses a problem, for me especially:
That means she's really freaking hard to control.
As in, if you're not so fluid in your motions that when you roll from that fall, you're already going into that step jump onto that red pole right in front of you, you can just forget about making that jump without dying. I've tried several times. You have to be perfect with your movements in this game.
And perfection is something I've yet to achieve in any video game.
I'm eagerly awaiting news on if they're going to make a new Mirror's Edge game, because despite my complaints, there are many things good to be said for a game that does first person Parkour so well. Needless to say, even though I had a lot to rant about in this game, it was quite possibly one of my absolute favorites.
It's a game about betrayal, conspiracy, heroism, and overall first-person action.
That said, I am not without my beefs on this game.
First of all:
WHAT MIRRORS?! You run around on rooftops, and maybe the ground (once) and maybe a boat (again: once). That's all you ever do. Even the "combat" is fairly limited, as I really didn't have the patience to kill every bad guy I could see. You know - since this game was about fluid motion and unpredictability and how well you can use your environment, not "let's see how hard I can Bruce Lee this guy's face into the dirt".
To address my second argument against this game, let's talk about gun physics. Okay, sure, I can see where carrying a big ol' LMG would make free running fairly difficult. Those are heavy guns. And yeah, I can see why it's not so great to jump around on buildings with a shotgun - which is a fairly fragile weapon, despite its power - and roof-jumping with a sniper rifle is rather difficult when the thing's twice as long as you are.
But, a PISTOL?
I can't free-run with a pistol?
Well, I take that back, I can - just not as well as if I were unarmed. See, this is why you should do what Lieutenant Miller did, Faith, and invest in dual shoulder holsters. I mean, pistols are pretty durable. If you drop one, then kick it, it's still going to work, with minor flaws because, well, you just kicked an already highly unstable weapon of killing power. And I say "highly unstable" because those things are like a ball balanced on a pin, one wrong move can completely ruin the thing. But sans the obvious damage, pistols are durable weapons, and they're light, so a measly four or five pounds of gun in your pocket shouldn't add up to so much failure when you're going full speed across a rooftop. And yet I can't jump the building like, three feet in front of me.
Why?
I dunno, ask the implacable game physics.
Now, to address my third point: Reaction times. This game is all about picture-perfect precision and timing. One slip, and it's fifty stories of pure pelvic-region-shattering death for you. But, this same timing is apparently even worse when trying to disarm enemies. Like, before the gun even turns red, you have to hit the action button, otherwise, the guy pummels you, then adds insult to injury by shooting you point-blank to finish you off. Or, that's what he did to me. I dunno, I think it might have been because of my lack of melee.
You decide.
Next: The free running in general. Movement is kinda' touchy and hard to get used to. If Faith fails to react to the jump button, buh-bye. If Faith reacts too slowly to the melee button, buh-bye. If Faith jumps instead of wall running?
Say it with me now,
BUH-BYE.
Needless to say, there's very little room for screw-ups in this game. As in, the window of opportunity closes a split second after it opens, so you'd best be quick on the draw, or you'd best have been saving your Reaction Time up to whatever point you're at that requires mashing of buttons in order to complete a vital-to-one's-health task, because otherwise, put quite simply mate, you're screwed.
By the way, did I happen to mention Traceur in there?
Well, a lot of people get this idea that this game is based on free running, which is basically a flashy form of Parkour not really used for escape methods. Basically, it's just there for fun. Parkour is the "modern-day martial arts" discipline which states that the quickest route from point A to point B is in a straight line, and in order to get to that point B in a straight line, you must learn to go over, under, around or through any obstacles in your way. Faith is a Parkour practitioner in every sense of the word, from escaping the authorities with her free-running capabilities to tracking down baddies with said capabilities. In every notion of the term, Faith is a Traceuse. End of story there.
But, this poses a problem, for me especially:
That means she's really freaking hard to control.
As in, if you're not so fluid in your motions that when you roll from that fall, you're already going into that step jump onto that red pole right in front of you, you can just forget about making that jump without dying. I've tried several times. You have to be perfect with your movements in this game.
And perfection is something I've yet to achieve in any video game.
I'm eagerly awaiting news on if they're going to make a new Mirror's Edge game, because despite my complaints, there are many things good to be said for a game that does first person Parkour so well. Needless to say, even though I had a lot to rant about in this game, it was quite possibly one of my absolute favorites.
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