Hello, chaps! Long time no see, eh?
Sorry about that. My computer is officially, and undeniably, dead and gone, and I shan't be getting a new one for a good bloody time.
In the meantime, I use what time I have to myself to steal my sister's (admittedly near-dead itself) computer.
Hence, this new entry (finally).
Got around to playing Halo REACH, and I have to say... it was the biggest waste of my time. I just don't like it; I've never liked the Halo games, nevermind my owning game 3, but this just confirmed why.
Oh, sure, you have nice graphics. So does every other game and its mother. What's that? New weapons? Whoop dee doo. Oh, you say multiplayer is superb? Gee, isn't it too bad that I don't give a bloody shite about multiplayer?
I played the campaign, and hated it from the word go. I don't wish to explain why, because I only have two hours to myself, and if I were to go into detail about all my problems... Let's just say, I'd get caught red-handed by my sister, three to four hours later, because I'd still be sitting here. It was bad, let me tell you.
*Cue rabid ball-happy fans of Halo throwing out empty death threats and acting like utter meatheads in the presence of somebody who knows a good video game when he plays one.*
Let's just segment what I hate about it, from all that I'm willing to talk about:
1. I hate the weaponry in this game. As in, I REALLY hate it. Scope-blooming, I don't mind. That's never been an issue for me before. Grenade bounce and damage radius? Meh. Modern Warfare 2 was worse. But I hate how lack-luster the weaponry department is, in a game where guns and cars are about the only real factor. It takes me three clips to take down one Elite, all shots hitting him in the head, yet one shot from an armor lock kills me? Might I please call bullshite here?
Before you get all rage-happy over these simple terms, take into effect that I had a sniper rifle. And my shots next to never miss with sniper rifles, so I was landing every shot.
2. I hate the maps. Yeah, I totally want to play sniper on a map as big as my thumb, who was the freaking moron who thought up THAT idea? Conversely: A pistol will TOTALLY be useful on a map bigger than three Frigates put together. The game creators really didn't possess any brains when making this game, I can tell. Then again, I was playing on mostly user-made maps that my friends forced me to play multiplayer to experience.
And that, lads, is the only time I will ever go on multiplayer.
3. I hate multiplayer. Do I really need to say it. The game is 80% Multiplayer.
4. I hate the space combat level. Bloody hell, I hate ALL the air combat levels.
5. I hate the scene where Noble 6 dies. It wasn't emotional, it made me laugh. I'd feel more sorry for her if her armor didn't make her look ridiculously fat, too.
6. Lord, do I ever hate the other players of this game. ... went up against players with really dumb names (none shall be mentioned), none of them knew how to play right, or if they did, they always screamed their success as if it was the best thing in the world. (Idiots.) And then they turn to me and start insulting my lack of kills because I was hiding behind something with a sniper rifle, picking people off from a safe distance.
"Ha! I have three hundred kills, you only have ten!" And I also never died. So, who loses here?
7. I'll just say it now, I hate the Announcer in this game. "Five. Minutes. REMAINING." I can see the clock, I'm not blind. And do I really need my ego boosted by "HEADSHOT!" or "DOUBLE KILL!" every time it happens? You know why I like Call of Duty over this game? Because it never shouted how cool I was. It gave me shiteloads of experience points (I was in multiplayer split-screen against myself just for the hell of weapon upgrades), and some cool (ACTUALLY COOL, might I add) music to boot. And if I leveled up, it didn't go "LEVEL UP!" in some faux Duke Nukem voice in order to make me feel special and GUHN EJIMUHCAYTID.
So, in short, I would give this game a two out of five, for the graphics and ragdoll hilarity. Nothing else.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Narrow Scope: Splinter Cell: Conviction
Spent five or six hours with my newly (rented) game, Splinter Cell: Conviction. Played through a bit of single player, decided it was decently challenging, and figured co-op with Seamus would be about the same.
It's not often when I'm so dreadfully wrong - and I am usually wrong, just not DREADFULLY so - and this time, it bit Seamus and I in the bollocks like never before.
So, for co-op, you start off in good old Russia (because god forbid you infiltrate any OTHER countries outside of China, Russia, the Middle East, and America), playing as an American Splinter Cell named Archer, and a Russian Splinter Cell named Kestrel. I was Kestrel, and Seamus was Archer. Seamus had played a good number of Splinter Cell games, while I had only played two, but had done so so many times that I could now clear the game perfectly in under an hour, so we were both pretty savvy with the game as it were. The only problem? The controls got a bit changed from the old games.
Meh, no problem, eh? So the controls will get some taking used to. And so what if you're only in stealth when the screen turns black and white? Not a problem-
Wait, where's my night vision? Where's my SC-20K? What's going on here?!
Immediately, we realized a lot of things had changed about Splinter Cell. For instance, there was only Sonar vision, which gave you a bright outline of any enemies nearby. Then, your loadout always started with an EMP, EMP Grenades, and frags. You got a silenced pistol of choice, so I took an accurate pistol, while Seamus went more with power. When we realized that the main characters of co-op were not Sam Fisher and Anonymous Agent #2, that was also a downer, but we got over that because Archer and Kestrel were awesome enough to make up for the loss. And what was also helpful was when we entered a new room, our objectives splayed themselves out on the walls like that music video for Airplanes by B.O.B. and Haley Williams. (Because I honestly enjoy being blinded by painfully stark-white writing on pitch-black walls. You know, because I shot out all the lights. Okay, yeah, sarcasm doesn't translate well across the internet.)
After trying to infiltrate the Russian Embassy for about three hours, because the cops in that place are UBER SENSITIVE to having lights shot out, Seamus and I finally managed to get to a save point, which usually appears in the form of a weapon stash. (As the writings on the wall clearly stated. I just thought it was a stash of crates that we couldn't use until I saw the command to swap weapons. Thank god there were two, otherwise Seamus would've been running on pistol ammo for the rest of the mission.) About that time, we learn that we need to OBSERVE BYKHOV.
Why, thank you, large writing on the wall, I would never have guessed.
By the way, sorry for the bloody slow going here, my computer crashed like a Banshee with a broken jet propeller in Halo. No, it didn't explode into a blue ball of flaming bits, and no, I didn't die from the height drop, but it felt like I did, because I just lost a shite load of information that I was keeping on there, and now I have to commandeer Seamus' laptop when he isn't looking until I get it fixed.
Have to say, though: He has a bloody fast computer.
It's not often when I'm so dreadfully wrong - and I am usually wrong, just not DREADFULLY so - and this time, it bit Seamus and I in the bollocks like never before.
So, for co-op, you start off in good old Russia (because god forbid you infiltrate any OTHER countries outside of China, Russia, the Middle East, and America), playing as an American Splinter Cell named Archer, and a Russian Splinter Cell named Kestrel. I was Kestrel, and Seamus was Archer. Seamus had played a good number of Splinter Cell games, while I had only played two, but had done so so many times that I could now clear the game perfectly in under an hour, so we were both pretty savvy with the game as it were. The only problem? The controls got a bit changed from the old games.
Meh, no problem, eh? So the controls will get some taking used to. And so what if you're only in stealth when the screen turns black and white? Not a problem-
Wait, where's my night vision? Where's my SC-20K? What's going on here?!
Immediately, we realized a lot of things had changed about Splinter Cell. For instance, there was only Sonar vision, which gave you a bright outline of any enemies nearby. Then, your loadout always started with an EMP, EMP Grenades, and frags. You got a silenced pistol of choice, so I took an accurate pistol, while Seamus went more with power. When we realized that the main characters of co-op were not Sam Fisher and Anonymous Agent #2, that was also a downer, but we got over that because Archer and Kestrel were awesome enough to make up for the loss. And what was also helpful was when we entered a new room, our objectives splayed themselves out on the walls like that music video for Airplanes by B.O.B. and Haley Williams. (Because I honestly enjoy being blinded by painfully stark-white writing on pitch-black walls. You know, because I shot out all the lights. Okay, yeah, sarcasm doesn't translate well across the internet.)
After trying to infiltrate the Russian Embassy for about three hours, because the cops in that place are UBER SENSITIVE to having lights shot out, Seamus and I finally managed to get to a save point, which usually appears in the form of a weapon stash. (As the writings on the wall clearly stated. I just thought it was a stash of crates that we couldn't use until I saw the command to swap weapons. Thank god there were two, otherwise Seamus would've been running on pistol ammo for the rest of the mission.) About that time, we learn that we need to OBSERVE BYKHOV.
Why, thank you, large writing on the wall, I would never have guessed.
By the way, sorry for the bloody slow going here, my computer crashed like a Banshee with a broken jet propeller in Halo. No, it didn't explode into a blue ball of flaming bits, and no, I didn't die from the height drop, but it felt like I did, because I just lost a shite load of information that I was keeping on there, and now I have to commandeer Seamus' laptop when he isn't looking until I get it fixed.
Have to say, though: He has a bloody fast computer.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Narrow Scope: Team Fortress 2 Shenanigans
<While playing TF2>
Leigh: And you decided to start a Jarate war with me because...?
Shamus: Just figured I'd try and see what it's like to have a Jarate fight without the Jarate? Fuck, I don't know...
Jack: You know, speaking of fu-
Shamus/Leigh: NO.
Jack: Aw, come oooooon! I didn't even get to the good part!
Greg: Still no.
Jack: Fuck you!
<lolAxtinguisher>
Greg: MOTHERfuck!
Leigh: And you guys wonder why I'm so quiet.
Shamus: Have you EVER sworn, Leigh?
Leigh: Maybe once, under extreme stress. The rest of the time is usually either because I'm not watching what I say, or because I'm making a really good joke that requires it.
Shamus: Makes sense to me.
Jack: Hey, let's invite some random noob on here and fucking destroy his ass.
Leigh: Uh, let's not and say we never did.
Greg: Or, we could invite the lady-peoples and have a go at each other.
Leigh: You kidding, mate? Minx would destroy you.
Shamus: Yeah, but not you, Leigh, because as usual, you've mastered the game like a prick.
Leigh: Well, yeah...
Jack: Fuck you Leigh, us not-cool gamers are going over here.
Leigh: 'Kay, but, didn't you just lay down a massive bomb trap over there?
Jack: Dowha-?
<lolbigexplosion>
Shamus: Motherfucking Jack, you fucking knicker-wearing tool!
Leigh: Bloody hell...
Jack: They're called CAPRI PANTS in AMERICA, fucker.
Leigh: Why, again, did I agree to play Team Fortress with you guys?
Greg: Hey, I don't know, I'm just enjoying the show.
Leigh: Right. That's it, I'm spy-killing all your backsides.
<One massive spy-kill fest later>
Leigh: And what have we learned about using the Soldier's grenade taunt on a spy disguised as a Scout?
Jack: It's fucking pointless.
Leigh: Good boy.
Leigh: And you decided to start a Jarate war with me because...?
Shamus: Just figured I'd try and see what it's like to have a Jarate fight without the Jarate? Fuck, I don't know...
Jack: You know, speaking of fu-
Shamus/Leigh: NO.
Jack: Aw, come oooooon! I didn't even get to the good part!
Greg: Still no.
Jack: Fuck you!
<lolAxtinguisher>
Greg: MOTHERfuck!
Leigh: And you guys wonder why I'm so quiet.
Shamus: Have you EVER sworn, Leigh?
Leigh: Maybe once, under extreme stress. The rest of the time is usually either because I'm not watching what I say, or because I'm making a really good joke that requires it.
Shamus: Makes sense to me.
Jack: Hey, let's invite some random noob on here and fucking destroy his ass.
Leigh: Uh, let's not and say we never did.
Greg: Or, we could invite the lady-peoples and have a go at each other.
Leigh: You kidding, mate? Minx would destroy you.
Shamus: Yeah, but not you, Leigh, because as usual, you've mastered the game like a prick.
Leigh: Well, yeah...
Jack: Fuck you Leigh, us not-cool gamers are going over here.
Leigh: 'Kay, but, didn't you just lay down a massive bomb trap over there?
Jack: Dowha-?
<lolbigexplosion>
Shamus: Motherfucking Jack, you fucking knicker-wearing tool!
Leigh: Bloody hell...
Jack: They're called CAPRI PANTS in AMERICA, fucker.
Leigh: Why, again, did I agree to play Team Fortress with you guys?
Greg: Hey, I don't know, I'm just enjoying the show.
Leigh: Right. That's it, I'm spy-killing all your backsides.
<One massive spy-kill fest later>
Leigh: And what have we learned about using the Soldier's grenade taunt on a spy disguised as a Scout?
Jack: It's fucking pointless.
Leigh: Good boy.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Narrow Scope: Mirror's Edge
Mirror's Edge. A creative title for an equally creative game centered around Traceurs - a.k.a. building runners - who secretly and illegally pass information on by hand in a world where movement and information are heavily guarded by authorities and the ever-present eye of Big Brother.
It's a game about betrayal, conspiracy, heroism, and overall first-person action.
That said, I am not without my beefs on this game.
First of all:
WHAT MIRRORS?! You run around on rooftops, and maybe the ground (once) and maybe a boat (again: once). That's all you ever do. Even the "combat" is fairly limited, as I really didn't have the patience to kill every bad guy I could see. You know - since this game was about fluid motion and unpredictability and how well you can use your environment, not "let's see how hard I can Bruce Lee this guy's face into the dirt".
To address my second argument against this game, let's talk about gun physics. Okay, sure, I can see where carrying a big ol' LMG would make free running fairly difficult. Those are heavy guns. And yeah, I can see why it's not so great to jump around on buildings with a shotgun - which is a fairly fragile weapon, despite its power - and roof-jumping with a sniper rifle is rather difficult when the thing's twice as long as you are.
But, a PISTOL?
I can't free-run with a pistol?
Well, I take that back, I can - just not as well as if I were unarmed. See, this is why you should do what Lieutenant Miller did, Faith, and invest in dual shoulder holsters. I mean, pistols are pretty durable. If you drop one, then kick it, it's still going to work, with minor flaws because, well, you just kicked an already highly unstable weapon of killing power. And I say "highly unstable" because those things are like a ball balanced on a pin, one wrong move can completely ruin the thing. But sans the obvious damage, pistols are durable weapons, and they're light, so a measly four or five pounds of gun in your pocket shouldn't add up to so much failure when you're going full speed across a rooftop. And yet I can't jump the building like, three feet in front of me.
Why?
I dunno, ask the implacable game physics.
Now, to address my third point: Reaction times. This game is all about picture-perfect precision and timing. One slip, and it's fifty stories of pure pelvic-region-shattering death for you. But, this same timing is apparently even worse when trying to disarm enemies. Like, before the gun even turns red, you have to hit the action button, otherwise, the guy pummels you, then adds insult to injury by shooting you point-blank to finish you off. Or, that's what he did to me. I dunno, I think it might have been because of my lack of melee.
You decide.
Next: The free running in general. Movement is kinda' touchy and hard to get used to. If Faith fails to react to the jump button, buh-bye. If Faith reacts too slowly to the melee button, buh-bye. If Faith jumps instead of wall running?
Say it with me now,
BUH-BYE.
Needless to say, there's very little room for screw-ups in this game. As in, the window of opportunity closes a split second after it opens, so you'd best be quick on the draw, or you'd best have been saving your Reaction Time up to whatever point you're at that requires mashing of buttons in order to complete a vital-to-one's-health task, because otherwise, put quite simply mate, you're screwed.
By the way, did I happen to mention Traceur in there?
Well, a lot of people get this idea that this game is based on free running, which is basically a flashy form of Parkour not really used for escape methods. Basically, it's just there for fun. Parkour is the "modern-day martial arts" discipline which states that the quickest route from point A to point B is in a straight line, and in order to get to that point B in a straight line, you must learn to go over, under, around or through any obstacles in your way. Faith is a Parkour practitioner in every sense of the word, from escaping the authorities with her free-running capabilities to tracking down baddies with said capabilities. In every notion of the term, Faith is a Traceuse. End of story there.
But, this poses a problem, for me especially:
That means she's really freaking hard to control.
As in, if you're not so fluid in your motions that when you roll from that fall, you're already going into that step jump onto that red pole right in front of you, you can just forget about making that jump without dying. I've tried several times. You have to be perfect with your movements in this game.
And perfection is something I've yet to achieve in any video game.
I'm eagerly awaiting news on if they're going to make a new Mirror's Edge game, because despite my complaints, there are many things good to be said for a game that does first person Parkour so well. Needless to say, even though I had a lot to rant about in this game, it was quite possibly one of my absolute favorites.
It's a game about betrayal, conspiracy, heroism, and overall first-person action.
That said, I am not without my beefs on this game.
First of all:
WHAT MIRRORS?! You run around on rooftops, and maybe the ground (once) and maybe a boat (again: once). That's all you ever do. Even the "combat" is fairly limited, as I really didn't have the patience to kill every bad guy I could see. You know - since this game was about fluid motion and unpredictability and how well you can use your environment, not "let's see how hard I can Bruce Lee this guy's face into the dirt".
To address my second argument against this game, let's talk about gun physics. Okay, sure, I can see where carrying a big ol' LMG would make free running fairly difficult. Those are heavy guns. And yeah, I can see why it's not so great to jump around on buildings with a shotgun - which is a fairly fragile weapon, despite its power - and roof-jumping with a sniper rifle is rather difficult when the thing's twice as long as you are.
But, a PISTOL?
I can't free-run with a pistol?
Well, I take that back, I can - just not as well as if I were unarmed. See, this is why you should do what Lieutenant Miller did, Faith, and invest in dual shoulder holsters. I mean, pistols are pretty durable. If you drop one, then kick it, it's still going to work, with minor flaws because, well, you just kicked an already highly unstable weapon of killing power. And I say "highly unstable" because those things are like a ball balanced on a pin, one wrong move can completely ruin the thing. But sans the obvious damage, pistols are durable weapons, and they're light, so a measly four or five pounds of gun in your pocket shouldn't add up to so much failure when you're going full speed across a rooftop. And yet I can't jump the building like, three feet in front of me.
Why?
I dunno, ask the implacable game physics.
Now, to address my third point: Reaction times. This game is all about picture-perfect precision and timing. One slip, and it's fifty stories of pure pelvic-region-shattering death for you. But, this same timing is apparently even worse when trying to disarm enemies. Like, before the gun even turns red, you have to hit the action button, otherwise, the guy pummels you, then adds insult to injury by shooting you point-blank to finish you off. Or, that's what he did to me. I dunno, I think it might have been because of my lack of melee.
You decide.
Next: The free running in general. Movement is kinda' touchy and hard to get used to. If Faith fails to react to the jump button, buh-bye. If Faith reacts too slowly to the melee button, buh-bye. If Faith jumps instead of wall running?
Say it with me now,
BUH-BYE.
Needless to say, there's very little room for screw-ups in this game. As in, the window of opportunity closes a split second after it opens, so you'd best be quick on the draw, or you'd best have been saving your Reaction Time up to whatever point you're at that requires mashing of buttons in order to complete a vital-to-one's-health task, because otherwise, put quite simply mate, you're screwed.
By the way, did I happen to mention Traceur in there?
Well, a lot of people get this idea that this game is based on free running, which is basically a flashy form of Parkour not really used for escape methods. Basically, it's just there for fun. Parkour is the "modern-day martial arts" discipline which states that the quickest route from point A to point B is in a straight line, and in order to get to that point B in a straight line, you must learn to go over, under, around or through any obstacles in your way. Faith is a Parkour practitioner in every sense of the word, from escaping the authorities with her free-running capabilities to tracking down baddies with said capabilities. In every notion of the term, Faith is a Traceuse. End of story there.
But, this poses a problem, for me especially:
That means she's really freaking hard to control.
As in, if you're not so fluid in your motions that when you roll from that fall, you're already going into that step jump onto that red pole right in front of you, you can just forget about making that jump without dying. I've tried several times. You have to be perfect with your movements in this game.
And perfection is something I've yet to achieve in any video game.
I'm eagerly awaiting news on if they're going to make a new Mirror's Edge game, because despite my complaints, there are many things good to be said for a game that does first person Parkour so well. Needless to say, even though I had a lot to rant about in this game, it was quite possibly one of my absolute favorites.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Narrow Scope: Moderne Warfare Due
The old entry I was planning on submitting was way too long and tedious for me to finish, and full of bull on all fronts that I know would have made me suffer if I had posted them, so let me just sum it up in one quick little paragraph:
yadda yadda yadda, hate the Tar-21, yadda yadda yadda, the shotguns in this game are mostly crap, yadda yadda yadda, AK47 w/ grenade launcher, silencer, and heat scope is pwnmaster, yadda yadda yadda, why oh why did they remove the SVD from online gameplay? Yadda yadda yadda, I find it hilarious that you think a Stinger/RPG-7 combo would work in a campaign. Yadda yadda yadda, lolFAMAS, yadda yadda yadda AUG is basically an automatic sniper rifle, yadda yadda yadda, Price is pwnmaster, yadda yadda yadda go straight to the devil's bollocks, Shepard! yadda yadda yadda, Makarov is so full of it, yadda yadda yadda, Je me conforme à aucunes lois de l'homme ou de jeu, et pour cet acte de trahison mon corps mourra, yadda yadda yadda, why use sniper rifles when an ACOG sight on any gun works just as well? Yadda yadda yadda, SOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAP!!!, yadda yadda yadda, But-but! I liked Ghost! Shepard, you evil man! Yadda yadda yadda, knife in brain makes teh thinky thoughts go thpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbp! Yadda yadda yadda, game over, and I still lose.
Basically, that was what I had written, in a nutshell. And most of it was a farce.
I love how Infinity Ward removes one really good game from online play because "It's too powerful", yet they keep all kinds of other cheap guns because apparently, having one hundred rounds of ammo plus a nine hundred round surplus is just peachy, or because nobody is going to live long with a UMP.
Does this site employ emotes? Because I'd like to use the rolls-eyes one right about now.
*heavy dramatic sigh* write me when Infinity Ward does something right... or when Treyarch starts doing Call of Duty games again.
yadda yadda yadda, hate the Tar-21, yadda yadda yadda, the shotguns in this game are mostly crap, yadda yadda yadda, AK47 w/ grenade launcher, silencer, and heat scope is pwnmaster, yadda yadda yadda, why oh why did they remove the SVD from online gameplay? Yadda yadda yadda, I find it hilarious that you think a Stinger/RPG-7 combo would work in a campaign. Yadda yadda yadda, lolFAMAS, yadda yadda yadda AUG is basically an automatic sniper rifle, yadda yadda yadda, Price is pwnmaster, yadda yadda yadda go straight to the devil's bollocks, Shepard! yadda yadda yadda, Makarov is so full of it, yadda yadda yadda, Je me conforme à aucunes lois de l'homme ou de jeu, et pour cet acte de trahison mon corps mourra, yadda yadda yadda, why use sniper rifles when an ACOG sight on any gun works just as well? Yadda yadda yadda, SOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAP!!!, yadda yadda yadda, But-but! I liked Ghost! Shepard, you evil man! Yadda yadda yadda, knife in brain makes teh thinky thoughts go thpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbpbp! Yadda yadda yadda, game over, and I still lose.
Basically, that was what I had written, in a nutshell. And most of it was a farce.
I love how Infinity Ward removes one really good game from online play because "It's too powerful", yet they keep all kinds of other cheap guns because apparently, having one hundred rounds of ammo plus a nine hundred round surplus is just peachy, or because nobody is going to live long with a UMP.
Does this site employ emotes? Because I'd like to use the rolls-eyes one right about now.
*heavy dramatic sigh* write me when Infinity Ward does something right... or when Treyarch starts doing Call of Duty games again.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Narrow Scope: This Is What Happens When I Don't Get Sleep.
Three in the damn morning, can't seem to wake up Shamus and get him out of the damn recliner so that I can go to sleep (see, my room doesn't have a bed. We ditched the bed in place of chairs so that we could all have a spot to sit when gaming, if it were in my room), suddenly have this implacable urge to say damn a lot (damn damn damn damn damn...), so I might as well post something, yeah?
What to do, what to do... Ah, right, I'll just babble on about something or another until I pass out on my keyboard. God only knows how I'm even managing to type legibly at this point.
~~~
Okay, after I finished typing that, I fell asleep.
Well, let's just do the babble anyhow, yeah?
I made the mistake of playing Eragon the other day, and suddenly the difficulty jump of NOD in Croatia during my boredom playthrough of Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars 3 didn't seem to annoy me as much anymore. I mean, considering that they wiped my base off the map in a matter of seconds where normally I would be taking them to task with little struggle, that's saying something. That says that Eragon had to be at least ten times worse in order for me to forget how badly NOD killed my sorry arse in Croatia.
Holy crap, I wasn't kidding there, folks.
First level, training level. I had just gotten done watching a really bad cutscene with even worse music and narration. I figured, okay, so the game has bad voice acting and music. So long as it plays well, I really don't care.
Mates, it didn't even do THAT much.
Along with terrible animation and voice acting and music, this game's mechanics are crap in every sense of the word. Eragon is such a pansy that he can't even jump a foot off the ground, it takes a whole five seconds to fire a fine-aimed arrow, which doesn't even do hardly anything, you have a sword that, even when upgraded, does miserable damage, the combos are extremely limited and not all that exciting, and you move so slowly that any half-brained Urgal could catch up to you with no problem. In fact, all the enemies move really fast, until they get close to you, that is. However, your speed never increases.
Your allies, when and if you play long enough to meet them, are just about as useless as Eragon is, even when theirUbercharge Magical Combo Swords are activated. Murtagh's only good skill is with a bow and arrow, and he even sucks at THAT. Brom's just a drunkard with a sword who used to be a dragon rider, and he dies after your first Durza fight.
Oh, and Durza shouldn't be called a boss; he should be called a mildly infuriating pain in one's spine.
I'd go on, but I really don't want to keep talking about this game.
In that regard, we'll move on to something more interesting.
Next time, that is.
What to do, what to do... Ah, right, I'll just babble on about something or another until I pass out on my keyboard. God only knows how I'm even managing to type legibly at this point.
~~~
Okay, after I finished typing that, I fell asleep.
Well, let's just do the babble anyhow, yeah?
I made the mistake of playing Eragon the other day, and suddenly the difficulty jump of NOD in Croatia during my boredom playthrough of Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars 3 didn't seem to annoy me as much anymore. I mean, considering that they wiped my base off the map in a matter of seconds where normally I would be taking them to task with little struggle, that's saying something. That says that Eragon had to be at least ten times worse in order for me to forget how badly NOD killed my sorry arse in Croatia.
Holy crap, I wasn't kidding there, folks.
First level, training level. I had just gotten done watching a really bad cutscene with even worse music and narration. I figured, okay, so the game has bad voice acting and music. So long as it plays well, I really don't care.
Mates, it didn't even do THAT much.
Along with terrible animation and voice acting and music, this game's mechanics are crap in every sense of the word. Eragon is such a pansy that he can't even jump a foot off the ground, it takes a whole five seconds to fire a fine-aimed arrow, which doesn't even do hardly anything, you have a sword that, even when upgraded, does miserable damage, the combos are extremely limited and not all that exciting, and you move so slowly that any half-brained Urgal could catch up to you with no problem. In fact, all the enemies move really fast, until they get close to you, that is. However, your speed never increases.
Your allies, when and if you play long enough to meet them, are just about as useless as Eragon is, even when their
Oh, and Durza shouldn't be called a boss; he should be called a mildly infuriating pain in one's spine.
I'd go on, but I really don't want to keep talking about this game.
In that regard, we'll move on to something more interesting.
Next time, that is.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Narrow Scope: Metal Gear Solid 4
Bloody hard drive crashes out of the blue on me, now I have to upload every program that wasn't infected again...
Anyhow, I'm back from a "break" (-down), and I have some new material for you guys. This time around, I'm going to antagonize Metal Gear Solid. Snake will undoubtedly kill my sorry hide for this. (Leigh? LEIGH?! LEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!)
Anyhow. Where to start.
OH I KNOW! Let's start with the ridiculous story.
Because of some strange cloning thing, where the dominant genes of the late Solid Snake, a.k.a. Big Boss, were placed in a bunch of baby fetuses, along with the recessive genes, Big Boss now has a whole army of, basically, himself. This includes Snake and Liquid. And unless I misinterpreted the story up to then, Liquid's pissed that he got the uncool genes and wants to kill Snake, so he sends out his biological siblings to try and kill a guy who's doomed to age like sixty years in the next TEN years, and they all fail, so he decides to use REX to kill Snake, but then Grey Fox stops him (at the expense of his own life), and Snake defeats REX (I think), and Liquid and Snake have a big old end fight near a possibly dead Meryl. We never figured that out. But, sudden twist! Revolver Ocelot loses his hand and it somehow gets grafted onto Liquid's arm! Oh snap! Now it's Liquid Ocelot! How many times have I killed Liquid now? Why is he not dead? What's this bullhonkey about POWs and SOPs? Why is it that a cow mooing causes soldiers to have uberseizures and beat the ever-loving Christ out of each other? Why is Akiba not effected by this? What does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have to do with seizures induced by cows? Where did Vamp come from? Why does Raiden bleed white? Whose side is Naomi freaking ON? Why is Otacon a tiny robotic video camera? Who the hell is Drebin? When did the B&B Brigade come back to life? What's with the distinct lack of the Sorrow and the Rage? Why is Meryl's squad called the Rat Patrol? Why am I playing this game? Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? What's going on?! GOD HELP ME!!!
So, in case you haven't noticed, NOTHING in this game makes sense. The only reason it seems like it does is because they give so much boring backtalk on the matter that if your brain hasn't leaked out your ears by the time the six-hour cutscene ends, then you certainly won't have been listening to the whole thing in order to figure out that they're pulling this stuff out of their arses. Unfortunately, I had the guts enough to try.
I didn't even make it through Act Two.
Oh, you're good, Hideo Kojima. You're real good.
Next up on the list of things to rail at: Facial camo. Hey, this face camo adds +5 to my stealth! I'm already wearing my stealth uniform, might as well just top myself off! WOAH, WHY THE CRAP ARE THEY ATTACKING ME?! Yes, folks, apparently face camo is an automatic Alert trigger in this game, despite the fact that it's SUPPOSED TO HIDE YOU. Wow. So turning into Liquid Ocelot's uniform is apparently okay, but don't you DARE put on his face, you'll die like a dog.
Unless I'm doing something terribly wrong with my face camo, this should NOT be happening.
I might as well just wear the BOX all the time, for all the good face camo does me.
Next: Why do they give you all sorts of guns if you only ever need the M4 Carbine? Seriously, on my second playthrough, I had the Railgun (you get that at the end of the game), the Solar Gun, the Patriot rifle (unlimited ammo, woot woot!), a bunch of sniper rifles, grenade launchers pistols, assault rifles, LMGs...
And you only ever need the M4 and the Mk. II tranquilizer pistol. Yet they are the weakest weapons. Why, you may ask, is this? Because the M4 has so much customization potential, and Mk. II's effects work slower than most guns, because it's not a killing gun. (But once you de-armor the B&B ladies, it works rather well in taking them out during their creepy slow walk.)
When you first get the M4, it has some pretty bad stats in every department. Well, no problem there, just work up enough money to get yourself a scope, silencer, grenade launcher, fore grip, better stock, maybe a laser sight, and you have yourself a modded doom cannon. Granted, how you customize it effects how instantly people notice you, so you'll have to take into effect that laser sights have a bad habit of being rather visible, and grenade launchers are not just a bigger barrel for your gun, they shoot EXPLOSIVES.
But I never needed to use a different gun in MGS4 when I got the M4. Ever.
Next up! Johnny Akiba.
I do hereby quote Snake: "How the hell'd you survive for ten years?"
Although, he does get a moment of glory in act three(?) where he has to perform CPR on Meryl. And he has a cool sounding name, so that makes up for the fact that he has... diarrhea issues. ("Commander! I can't hold it any longer!" *gratuitous fart sounds*)
Once more, Next! Gekkos.
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff-for the love of god, I hate these things with a passion.
Oh, and don't get me started on FROG soldiers. (lolfrog)
ZOMG! And! Otacon! He's back! And the only different looking thing about him is his animation style. Ah well.
At least we get to see more SUNNY! YAYZ! (I liked Sunny the most out of the MGS4 characters, because at least she wasn't:
A) A mopey soldier prick with a chip on his shoulder {Raiden, Snake, Liquid}
B) A nerd {Otacon, Naomi}
C) Akiba {Akiba})
Throughout its flaws, though, the game is really good. I especially liked the soldier taking a potty break in a barrel. And then Snake using... the barrel... to... uh, to roll into... into bad guys... and then throw up from the spinning...
Okay, you know what? War... has changed, and I don't care how MGS4 makes it look, it just got all kinds of ridiculous.
Anyhow, I'm back from a "break" (-down), and I have some new material for you guys. This time around, I'm going to antagonize Metal Gear Solid. Snake will undoubtedly kill my sorry hide for this. (Leigh? LEIGH?! LEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!)
Anyhow. Where to start.
OH I KNOW! Let's start with the ridiculous story.
Because of some strange cloning thing, where the dominant genes of the late Solid Snake, a.k.a. Big Boss, were placed in a bunch of baby fetuses, along with the recessive genes, Big Boss now has a whole army of, basically, himself. This includes Snake and Liquid. And unless I misinterpreted the story up to then, Liquid's pissed that he got the uncool genes and wants to kill Snake, so he sends out his biological siblings to try and kill a guy who's doomed to age like sixty years in the next TEN years, and they all fail, so he decides to use REX to kill Snake, but then Grey Fox stops him (at the expense of his own life), and Snake defeats REX (I think), and Liquid and Snake have a big old end fight near a possibly dead Meryl. We never figured that out. But, sudden twist! Revolver Ocelot loses his hand and it somehow gets grafted onto Liquid's arm! Oh snap! Now it's Liquid Ocelot! How many times have I killed Liquid now? Why is he not dead? What's this bullhonkey about POWs and SOPs? Why is it that a cow mooing causes soldiers to have uberseizures and beat the ever-loving Christ out of each other? Why is Akiba not effected by this? What does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have to do with seizures induced by cows? Where did Vamp come from? Why does Raiden bleed white? Whose side is Naomi freaking ON? Why is Otacon a tiny robotic video camera? Who the hell is Drebin? When did the B&B Brigade come back to life? What's with the distinct lack of the Sorrow and the Rage? Why is Meryl's squad called the Rat Patrol? Why am I playing this game? Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? What's going on?! GOD HELP ME!!!
So, in case you haven't noticed, NOTHING in this game makes sense. The only reason it seems like it does is because they give so much boring backtalk on the matter that if your brain hasn't leaked out your ears by the time the six-hour cutscene ends, then you certainly won't have been listening to the whole thing in order to figure out that they're pulling this stuff out of their arses. Unfortunately, I had the guts enough to try.
I didn't even make it through Act Two.
Oh, you're good, Hideo Kojima. You're real good.
Next up on the list of things to rail at: Facial camo. Hey, this face camo adds +5 to my stealth! I'm already wearing my stealth uniform, might as well just top myself off! WOAH, WHY THE CRAP ARE THEY ATTACKING ME?! Yes, folks, apparently face camo is an automatic Alert trigger in this game, despite the fact that it's SUPPOSED TO HIDE YOU. Wow. So turning into Liquid Ocelot's uniform is apparently okay, but don't you DARE put on his face, you'll die like a dog.
Unless I'm doing something terribly wrong with my face camo, this should NOT be happening.
I might as well just wear the BOX all the time, for all the good face camo does me.
Next: Why do they give you all sorts of guns if you only ever need the M4 Carbine? Seriously, on my second playthrough, I had the Railgun (you get that at the end of the game), the Solar Gun, the Patriot rifle (unlimited ammo, woot woot!), a bunch of sniper rifles, grenade launchers pistols, assault rifles, LMGs...
And you only ever need the M4 and the Mk. II tranquilizer pistol. Yet they are the weakest weapons. Why, you may ask, is this? Because the M4 has so much customization potential, and Mk. II's effects work slower than most guns, because it's not a killing gun. (But once you de-armor the B&B ladies, it works rather well in taking them out during their creepy slow walk.)
When you first get the M4, it has some pretty bad stats in every department. Well, no problem there, just work up enough money to get yourself a scope, silencer, grenade launcher, fore grip, better stock, maybe a laser sight, and you have yourself a modded doom cannon. Granted, how you customize it effects how instantly people notice you, so you'll have to take into effect that laser sights have a bad habit of being rather visible, and grenade launchers are not just a bigger barrel for your gun, they shoot EXPLOSIVES.
But I never needed to use a different gun in MGS4 when I got the M4. Ever.
Next up! Johnny Akiba.
I do hereby quote Snake: "How the hell'd you survive for ten years?"
Although, he does get a moment of glory in act three(?) where he has to perform CPR on Meryl. And he has a cool sounding name, so that makes up for the fact that he has... diarrhea issues. ("Commander! I can't hold it any longer!" *gratuitous fart sounds*)
Once more, Next! Gekkos.
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff-for the love of god, I hate these things with a passion.
Oh, and don't get me started on FROG soldiers. (lolfrog)
ZOMG! And! Otacon! He's back! And the only different looking thing about him is his animation style. Ah well.
At least we get to see more SUNNY! YAYZ! (I liked Sunny the most out of the MGS4 characters, because at least she wasn't:
A) A mopey soldier prick with a chip on his shoulder {Raiden, Snake, Liquid}
B) A nerd {Otacon, Naomi}
C) Akiba {Akiba})
Throughout its flaws, though, the game is really good. I especially liked the soldier taking a potty break in a barrel. And then Snake using... the barrel... to... uh, to roll into... into bad guys... and then throw up from the spinning...
Okay, you know what? War... has changed, and I don't care how MGS4 makes it look, it just got all kinds of ridiculous.
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