Bloody hard drive crashes out of the blue on me, now I have to upload every program that wasn't infected again...
Anyhow, I'm back from a "break" (-down), and I have some new material for you guys. This time around, I'm going to antagonize Metal Gear Solid. Snake will undoubtedly kill my sorry hide for this. (Leigh? LEIGH?! LEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!)
Anyhow. Where to start.
OH I KNOW! Let's start with the ridiculous story.
Because of some strange cloning thing, where the dominant genes of the late Solid Snake, a.k.a. Big Boss, were placed in a bunch of baby fetuses, along with the recessive genes, Big Boss now has a whole army of, basically, himself. This includes Snake and Liquid. And unless I misinterpreted the story up to then, Liquid's pissed that he got the uncool genes and wants to kill Snake, so he sends out his biological siblings to try and kill a guy who's doomed to age like sixty years in the next TEN years, and they all fail, so he decides to use REX to kill Snake, but then Grey Fox stops him (at the expense of his own life), and Snake defeats REX (I think), and Liquid and Snake have a big old end fight near a possibly dead Meryl. We never figured that out. But, sudden twist! Revolver Ocelot loses his hand and it somehow gets grafted onto Liquid's arm! Oh snap! Now it's Liquid Ocelot! How many times have I killed Liquid now? Why is he not dead? What's this bullhonkey about POWs and SOPs? Why is it that a cow mooing causes soldiers to have uberseizures and beat the ever-loving Christ out of each other? Why is Akiba not effected by this? What does Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have to do with seizures induced by cows? Where did Vamp come from? Why does Raiden bleed white? Whose side is Naomi freaking ON? Why is Otacon a tiny robotic video camera? Who the hell is Drebin? When did the B&B Brigade come back to life? What's with the distinct lack of the Sorrow and the Rage? Why is Meryl's squad called the Rat Patrol? Why am I playing this game? Who am I? Where am I? Why am I here? What's going on?! GOD HELP ME!!!
So, in case you haven't noticed, NOTHING in this game makes sense. The only reason it seems like it does is because they give so much boring backtalk on the matter that if your brain hasn't leaked out your ears by the time the six-hour cutscene ends, then you certainly won't have been listening to the whole thing in order to figure out that they're pulling this stuff out of their arses. Unfortunately, I had the guts enough to try.
I didn't even make it through Act Two.
Oh, you're good, Hideo Kojima. You're real good.
Next up on the list of things to rail at: Facial camo. Hey, this face camo adds +5 to my stealth! I'm already wearing my stealth uniform, might as well just top myself off! WOAH, WHY THE CRAP ARE THEY ATTACKING ME?! Yes, folks, apparently face camo is an automatic Alert trigger in this game, despite the fact that it's SUPPOSED TO HIDE YOU. Wow. So turning into Liquid Ocelot's uniform is apparently okay, but don't you DARE put on his face, you'll die like a dog.
Unless I'm doing something terribly wrong with my face camo, this should NOT be happening.
I might as well just wear the BOX all the time, for all the good face camo does me.
Next: Why do they give you all sorts of guns if you only ever need the M4 Carbine? Seriously, on my second playthrough, I had the Railgun (you get that at the end of the game), the Solar Gun, the Patriot rifle (unlimited ammo, woot woot!), a bunch of sniper rifles, grenade launchers pistols, assault rifles, LMGs...
And you only ever need the M4 and the Mk. II tranquilizer pistol. Yet they are the weakest weapons. Why, you may ask, is this? Because the M4 has so much customization potential, and Mk. II's effects work slower than most guns, because it's not a killing gun. (But once you de-armor the B&B ladies, it works rather well in taking them out during their creepy slow walk.)
When you first get the M4, it has some pretty bad stats in every department. Well, no problem there, just work up enough money to get yourself a scope, silencer, grenade launcher, fore grip, better stock, maybe a laser sight, and you have yourself a modded doom cannon. Granted, how you customize it effects how instantly people notice you, so you'll have to take into effect that laser sights have a bad habit of being rather visible, and grenade launchers are not just a bigger barrel for your gun, they shoot EXPLOSIVES.
But I never needed to use a different gun in MGS4 when I got the M4. Ever.
Next up! Johnny Akiba.
I do hereby quote Snake: "How the hell'd you survive for ten years?"
Although, he does get a moment of glory in act three(?) where he has to perform CPR on Meryl. And he has a cool sounding name, so that makes up for the fact that he has... diarrhea issues. ("Commander! I can't hold it any longer!" *gratuitous fart sounds*)
Once more, Next! Gekkos.
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff-for the love of god, I hate these things with a passion.
Oh, and don't get me started on FROG soldiers. (lolfrog)
ZOMG! And! Otacon! He's back! And the only different looking thing about him is his animation style. Ah well.
At least we get to see more SUNNY! YAYZ! (I liked Sunny the most out of the MGS4 characters, because at least she wasn't:
A) A mopey soldier prick with a chip on his shoulder {Raiden, Snake, Liquid}
B) A nerd {Otacon, Naomi}
C) Akiba {Akiba})
Throughout its flaws, though, the game is really good. I especially liked the soldier taking a potty break in a barrel. And then Snake using... the barrel... to... uh, to roll into... into bad guys... and then throw up from the spinning...
Okay, you know what? War... has changed, and I don't care how MGS4 makes it look, it just got all kinds of ridiculous.
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