My sister tells me that every time I spoil a scene in a video game by talking about it, I lose viewers that I don't even have in the first place. Therefore, I solemnly swear that I will, in no way, spoil anything in any small form about Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood.
THE APPLE OF EDEN'S HIDDEN IN SAINT PETER'S!!!
YOU GET A CROSSBOW!!!
DESMOND KILLS LUCY!!!
DESMOND FINDS THE APPLE OF EDEN!!!
MARIO DIES!!!
EZIO REPLACES ALTAIR'S ARMOR FOR THE ARMOR OF ROMULUS!!!
ARROW STORM!!!
CASTEL SANT' ANGELO!!!
RODRIGO DIES!!!
LA VOLPE ALMOST KILLS MACHIAVELLI!!!
THE APPLE OF EDEN IS A USABLE WEAPON FOR ALL OF LIKE, FIVE MISSIONS!!!
DESMOND HAS CONTROL OVER HIS ANIMUS SESSIONS!!!
MONTERRIGIONI!!!
*huff puff*
Okay, enough bullshite; let's get on with my review.
I bought Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood a day after Christmas, and beat it all of half a week later (because I was being a slow-arse). At the time of my buying it, a certain Ares Tenno was also present. He told me that the trailers he saw suggested that it was a decent game.
That, and I naturally love Assassin's Creed as it is, so of course I had my eye on Brotherhood.
Let's start from the top: The entire game gets a complete revamp from the boring old Assassin's Creed style of Walk-Desmond-To-Animus, Complete-Missions, Lather-Rinse-Repeat. This time, you can decide when you want to leave the animus, and the actual first mission of the game requires you (as Desmond) to find a way inside the only safe haven for the team, the Monteriggioni sanctuary.
I should clarify: I meant the first non-Animus related mission. The first REAL mission of the game puts you as Ezio escaping from Rome with Mario. Keep in mind, this is one of only a few scenes where you will ever see Mario Auditore again.
The second mission? Explore the new and improved Monteriggioni. Recently, they've installed cannons, which is already a foreboding message to the player, as they tell you after using them that any cannon fire heard the next morning is them practicing.
Right. Practicing.
Just like it's friggin' practicing when you shoot a damn cannon ball through the friggin' window!
I'll just say this next bit now: Cesare, you are a jerk. Not only do you force Ezio to run along broken and exploding walls in his own hometown, but then you take it a step further and blow the brains out of Mario? What kind of man are you?!
(Answer: Not one.)
Oh yeah, and they shoot the hell out of Ezio too. Poor Ezio.
Gotta' say, though, the combat in this game is a lot more fun. Aside from how long it took me to figure out what the hell an Execution Streak was, and how long it took me to stop gushing over my sword-and-gun fighting combo, I actually enjoyed fighting off a thousand stupid guards in this game. Maybe it's because they actually fight like regular guards would, instead of standing still for an hour, giving you plenty of time to prepare your next trick from your trusty Wheel of Tricks, or maybe it's because I had so much fun with some of the new moves they implemented that were so much more different than the old AC1 moves, or maybe it's because I actually had a reason to not Counter-Kill everything and actually use some of my other tricks, I don't know.
But that old rumor that you'd have to actually fight a lot in order to use Counter-Kill? Yeah, blown right out of the water. Counter-Whores can still use their favorite button as much as they want. I'll be over here giving the A.I. a fighting chance like a fair gamer. Oh, and before you get the idea that Counter-Kill will work on all enemies, like in the last game, keep in mind, Brutes can shove you off, Papal Guards are ninjas, and Borgia Captains can dodge counter attacks.
My next point I shall make: The Brotherhood. Oh my god, that was my most favorite feature when I first started playing this game. I was just starting to settle into my routine of running this whole game solo, without any help from the outside, like in Assassin's Creed 2, but then, I noted that AC1 Vigilantes had returned, and I suddenly got a mission where I had to recruit two assassins to the Brotherhood.
Let me tell you: In a game where your troops can actually be useful, unlike certain Real-Time-Strategy games that rely on zerg rushes, upgrading your infantry suddenly becomes hilariously fun, and sending them out on missions actually becomes a nail biter, because you're sending something you worked so hard to make into an amazing thing go off and attempt to prove their worth. Especially so when it comes to the missions that are not only five-star difficulty, but DOUBLE five-star difficulty (marked by spiky symbols), where even your full-grade, top-notch Assassins would only be able to pull a twenty-five percent chance of victory. Then, the game gets really fun.
Arrow Storm. Let's just admit it, who has ever wanted to have the power to call down instant death? That's what Arrow Storm is: Instant Death, although there's not much discrimination regarding targets. I, uh, accidentally killed a few civilians with it at one point, while being chased by Papal Guards. Bad idea.
Oh, and speaking of calling instant death, if you call in your assassins, they pretty much come out of nowhere and kill the hell out of anything you tell them to. I wonder how many Borgia guards I've made absolutely paranoid with my Brotherhood? (Or should I say Sisterhood? I do recall that 99% of my recruits were, surprisingly, female. A-All these girls, they like my swagger, they all call me McJagger...)
Plus, when one died, I actually felt rather sad. The only guy in the group got slaughtered.
Now it's bloody personal.
Anyhow, I did feel a striking bit of bloodlust towards Cesare, for each time he popped up and I wasn't allowed to fight him. I really wanted to put my knife in his throat, and then follow up with another knife, and another, and a few more, and more still, then my sword, and then a bullet. What did I get instead?
I tossed him off a wall.
That's right. A. Bloody. Wall.
Disney, eat your heart out.
That's almost as lame as the punch-out I had with Pope Rodrigo Borgia in the last game. (By the way, Rodrigo kind of wimps out in this game and hides behind the Vatican walls the whole time. Not that it does him any good, I mean, I still give him the standard "rest in peace" eye-closing deal when Cesare kills his arse.)
Leonardo shows up in this game, but seriously less frequently, and he looks absolutely haggard. He only gives you three of your old items, because you already have the pistol and poison, and you can only obtain a fourth item from him by destroying the guns of doom that he'd made. Which, despite its god-awful difficulty, was actually rather fun. I rather enjoyed fighting gigantic warships in a little gondola with a flak cannon and screaming "Row, you bloody tart, row, dammit! ROW FASTER!!!" at Ezio.
And the tank was worthy of an evil giggle from me. :3
The machine gun and bomber... not so much. While I enjoyed the flying machine as much as I had in the first game (which was, not at all), the machine gun was only slightly more fun, because the thing shot so slowly, and I could hardly aim.
TAK!
Aw, I missed.
TAK!
Aw, I missed.
It was bloody annoying. I was glad to blow it up at the end. Hell, I was glad to get to the end at all.
Oh, and Leonardo's compensation item?
Parachutes.
And so I ask myself: Was it worth the hassle?
I managed to find a little secret, too: If you complete all the virtual training exercises (not advised; they're rather hard), you get a little shout-out to my favorite sneaky-stabby game aside from Assassin's Creed, Metal Gear Solid 4. They give you Raiden's outfit. Now, here's the dilemma: How does one hide in plain sight in Renaissance Italy, when they're wearing a techno-futuristic Ninja outfit?
Apparently, I do it rather well. Though, it's rather justified when I get caught in a red zone, because A, I'm not allowed in red zones, and B, well, I'm in a friggin' techno suit in RENAISSANCE ITALY, for crap's sake.
Too bad they don't give you Raiden's sword, too...
Although I made up for it with a Spadone and a replacement Sword of Altair. The Knife of Brutus was also rather fun.
Here's a problem with big weapons, though: The Spadone, Spada Lunga, Stocco, Bastard Sword, Bearded Axe, and Bartolomeo's Axe can all be thrown through an enemy, and while I'm certain you can go and get it back, I have not been able to do so, so whenever one accidentally throws their Heavy Weapon, they have to go re-equip it from a nearby blacksmith.
Did I happen to mention the Apple of Eden being a weapon? Yeah, after you find it in the Church of St. Peter, it becomes a usable weapon for, like, five really short missions. Instead of shooting lasers out at people, or letting you clone yourself, like I thought it would do, it does the Mind Rape thing instead, and it comes in two flavors:
Flavor one is where the guards all fight themselves or cower in fear of you.
Flavor two is where you rape their minds so bad that they fall over and die.
It would almost be an amazing weapon, if not for the fact that the longer you use it, the more life it saps out of you, until you faint from agony, and then you have to run away to ensure that your health recovers so that you won't get one-shot. So imagine using it with the weakest level of armor available.
You wouldn't even make it to Flavor One.
Bloody hell, you wouldn't even make it past the initial slow-motion sequence.
Totally not worth its salt.
And after all that fun, Ezio decides to lock the Apple away (under the Colosseum) instead of using it to rape Cesare's mind! What, so throwing him off a wall is better?!
Gah!
Well, aside from all its downers, Brotherhood is still an amazing game. I'd give it five Raiden Outfits out of five.
