Narrow Scope: Haunting Grounds

I can't really say Haunting Grounds was my most-favorite game; in fact, if I did, it would be so obvious a lie that liars everywhere would knock over their gravestones from the churning dirt because they rolled so hard. Now, I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it sounded funny in my head, and now my sister's pestering me about it sounding incredibly stupid put to words.

Shut up, Minx.

Anyhow, back on topic. Haunting Grounds, called Demento in Not America. I prefer Demento, because at least that title fits the bill better. I mean... Haunting Grounds, really? Once you get, maybe, a third of the way into the game (say, after defeating Debilitas), it turns from scary into "An Alchemist Did It", and after two hundred some-odd episodes of Full Metal Alchemist, I just can not take that seriously.

I love how they try so hard to cover that fact up, though. They stole the room full of hanging marionettes from some other horror game, I can tell. And just for giggles, if you happen to go into that room and forget to disable the trap (or whatever that power box was supposed to do, I don't know, I just followed the walkthrough without really checking), they put in a wall-o'-eyeballs that shoot nails at you. Of course, you don't see yourself getting killed, but you do see a generous helping of strawberry jam splatter onto the wall, along with several nails, and a marionette just hangs its head in shame at the player.

Oh, and the strawberry jam is a reference to Rooster Teeth's "Jar-o'-jelly" effect that happens when you get close to dying in Modern Warfare 2. And in both games, I honestly have to say that they did not do our body's life fluids justice.

Not.

At.

All.

Ah, I seem to be getting off track here...

The game starts out with a fairly gripping opening movie. Somebody cries blood, Fiona Belli is walking through a shiny red hallway, wearing nothing but a sheet (proving to me that Capcom is full of perverted old men), and then cut to Fiona being chased by a big ogre of a man to some not exactly settling music.

If you can call it music.

See, I think somebody got confused when the game designers said "Make a soundtrack that sounds creepy". I think they heard the guys say "Make a carcrash that sounds crappy", because honestly, that's what it seems like. Especially when you fight a certain "uncle" later on. (My god! He's got a gun! He has got a gu- GAH HE JUST SHOT ME!) 

Don't mind that, lads.

Anyhow, back to the point. So, cue opening sequence of the game, we now know there was an awful carcrash (and will be reminded several times throughout the game), and it's enough to startle Fiona awake. Three times.

Mr. Alura would like to take the time to add that this game severely overdoes the Double Repetition bit.

So, Fiona wakes up. And this is after you get to see Debilitas chop up... something... and shove it into a vat of... something else... and then leave when it splatters him. And poor little Debi, with his five-year-old mind, forgot to re-do your cage's lock, so you (and your bedsheet) manage to escape.

And then get jumped by a dog. Big spoiler regarding that dog: Look at the box cover. See a dog there? So did I. 

At that point, I didn't need to have Fiona pick up the collar that said "Hewie" on it to know that the dog was going to be the single most important factor of the game. So important, in fact, that if he dies on harder difficulties, SO DO YOU. 

And I'm not even lying when I tell you that I died so many times, mates. So. Many. Times.

So, you then get to control her (Fiona) for... about a second... and then another cutscene of a gratuitous posterior shot of her walking up the stairs, with her bedsheet swaying in the wind as she does, serving only to make her rumpus seem that much larger to the male audience.

Now, after that, you get to control her again. Thankfully, the fighting only happens later, when you actually have some clothing, so you won't have to worry about dying just yet. And, unfortunately for the men, since you can't die yet, you don't get to see Fiona limply drop the bedsheet as she dies. 

Sorry, lads.

And yes, I do say "lads" and "mates" a lot, it's in my genetic code, shut up.

The only real place you can go at the present time is to the room upstairs, where you get immediately greeted by a creepy maid. With an even creepier voice actress. And a creepy contemptuous stare. In fact, it's right of you to assume that she is an enemy, because trust me, she is, and she is possibly the scariest enemy of the game.

For the record, you never really learn her name, so I'll give you a freebie here: Daniella. Her name is Daniella.

And she has brought you the first set of perverted clothing that the game offers you. With a skirt that short, I think I don't need to explain to the men of the video game community what a "generous panty shot" looks like.

And if you thought you were terrible for getting off to this, imagine what the guy behind the picture watching you dress is like.

On second thought, don't. Some things aren't meant to be seen.